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Feb. 26th, 2010|08:13 am |
I turned around and the ship was being stormed by thieves, though all they stole was the ship's collection of fine wine. Apparently, we we're the latest to be attacked by sommelier pirates.
My new girlfriend thinks I'm a manipulative, over-sexed, unfaithful, heartless jerk. My two other girlfriends, however, do not.
As I stare around my office, it occurs to me that if it weren't for all the damn work, this wouldn't be a bad job.
If I ever have a daughter, I won't let her play with Barbie dolls because I think they create unrealistic body images for girls. In the real world, what are the odds that a young girl will ever grow up to be only eleven and a half inches tall?
The sales director was livid when he caught me looking through a well-concealed opening in the wall adjacent to the employee changing area. I'm not sure what his beef is, since during my initial interview I made it clear to him that I was a real peephole person.
The Top Most Efficient Moves in the Military-Industrial Complex
- "Destroyers" should not need "escorts."
- To expand its espionage market in China, Los Alamos National Lab will now use eBay.
- Underrun your program budget. Hahahahaha. Nah, just cut your prescription benefits, since laughter is the mission optimal medicine.
- Instead of buying Members of Congress, lease them.
- To improve F-35 performance, Lockheed Martin can get discount accelerator technology from Toyota.
- Boeing will now acquire Air Force procurement officials pre-owned rather than new.
- To save space on letterhead, abbreviate name to MILDUSTPLEX.
The Top Signs You Still Have Olympic Fever
- Wore swim goggles and a Speedo to the last business meeting.
- You keep having this freaky nightmare about guys running sideways across your face while Sarah Brightman stands on top of your head singing.
- You berate your child for not sticking the landing as she steps off the bus on her first day of school.
- You've upgraded the hood ornament on your Audi to 5 rings.
- You have an Olympic flame burning in the bathroom, which is actually helpful after Grandpa spends time in there.
- Every time you're the first one in line at the red light, your car stereo plays the national anthem.
- You STILL give a crap about the smog level in Beijing.
- Finishing your corn flakes ahead of the wife and kids, you insist upon standing on the coffee table while the national anthem plays.
- You keep hitting on your middle schooler's friends because hey, they look 16 to you.
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