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Jan. 30th, 2010|07:05 pm |
I'm thinking about opening up a full bodyscan clinic for women. Of course, I'm hoping most of my patients are pretty stupid, because a Gameboy doesn't look all that much like a scanning instrument.
When I went to leave my house today, there were so many birds outside that it was really scary, like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. I can't think of which one, though.
I just copyrighted all the vowels in the English language, so now in order to use one you'll need to pay me a royalty. And hey, I'm just a guy trying to make a living in a tough economy, so don't send me any messages calling me a grdy, mny-grbbng bstrd.
The most common last name in the world is Wong. The most common first name in the world is Muhammed. So why is it that there's not even one* guy somewhere named Muhammed Wong?
The Top Signs You're the World's Worst Lover
- Annoying dialogue consisting of intelligent, fully comprehensible sentences.
- Hard to tell what's happening in the shower scene through the fogged-up camera lens.
- You can see banana bits in the yogurt they're squirting.
- To get her in the mood, you awaken her with a few gentle teabag slaps to the face.
- To you, "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am!" sounds like it takes an awfully long time.
- He asks for some head; you pour his beer very quickly.
- The dog and the cat sit on the edge of the bed laughing at you.
- Sure, some people are into erotic asphyxiation, but punching her in the solar plexus isn't the best way to accomplish that.
- She always complains of a headache -- and she's inflatable.
- Not only does she fall asleep while you're doing it, so do you.
- "This one time at Internet Humor Writing Camp..."
- "Go, go, Gadget Penis!"
The Top Reboot Ideas for Spiderman 4
- With an eye for what makes money, the studio will send Spidey to defend a planet of blue people from invading transforming airplanes.
- To capture the pre-teen audience, Peter befriends a young spider woman named Charlotte.
- "Research says spiders are just too scary. Can we make it a radioactive ladybug?"
- Popular young actor, sure, but Michael Cera's Spiderman tends to stammer a bit.
- Aunt May, now played by Courteney Cox, keeps asking Peter to "dust away my cobwebs."
- Spider-Man is played by Miley Cyrus and Mary Jane by Billy Ray Cyrus.
- More wet shirts. Less filler.
The Top Unforeseen Consequences of It Having Rained Men
- Manholes, EVERYWHERE.
- Paris Hilton issues a severe weather alert and then drowns.
- Song lyrics changed to "every time it rains, it rains penises from heaven."
- The state cleans up human remains. Not so for dogs, cats, frogs or snow.
- Subsequent growth of the most weird-ass "May flowers" you ever did see!
- At least you'd finally have guys up on your house, which is more than your lazy-ass, nowhere-to-be-found roofing contractor can do.
- Inches of topsoil stripped away due to precipitation's adolescent urge to see Mother Nature topless.
- That's not the sound of thunder, just continuous farting.
- A 20% upsurge in heart attacks among nuns, spinsters, and frantic mothers of young girls, as the rain didn't exactly arrive *clothed*.
- Toilet. Seats. Up. Everywhere.
- No wussy mudslides; for this storm it's strictly beer, scotch or tequila.
- Large clusters of lost, wet men who refuse to ask for directions.
The Top Tweets Showing That Twitter Has Jumped the Shark
- @Scientology: Free personality test! Click Here!
- @SinisterMinister: I now pronounce you Twusband and Twife. You may Twiss the Twide!
- @Watchdog: I see by our goddaughter's tweets that she and Jason went to 2nd base last night, so you better keep a better eye on your daughter.
- @JohnMcCain2012: Out of touch, my ass... I'm on the Twitter! How funky fresh am I now, my nizzles?
- @Osama: Ohai! Im in ur undrwr, blowin up ur planez! Kthxbai!
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