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Jan. 8th, 2010|06:02 pm |
No matter how often I replace my vehicles, I never tire of that "stolen car" smell.
I have a very mild form of bulimia. After a big meal, I often sneak off by myself and intentionally drool a lot.
The best job in the world has to be manning the donation phone line at the "Body Farm" forensic research facility. All day long, nobody is offended when you tell callers, "Omigod, yes! I want your body!"
The United Service Organizations, Inc. has supported servicemen and women around the world by bringing celebrities and pseudo-celebrities to entertain them since 1941. It's a holiday tradition! Here's a peek at what the troops say about them.
The Top Things Overheard at USO Shows
- "She's got the kind of rear you want to see at the front."
- "I hear Angelina Jolie asked about adopting Private Snuffy."
- "Wow, he looks fatter in real life than he does on wide-screen TV."
- "Carrot Top, Hedda Lettuce, Red Hot Chili Peppers. This ain't a USO show, it's a salad bar."
- "They tap dance almost as well as the general did in front of Congress."
- "C'mon, Sarge. Rap music ain't *that* bad. Put the grenade down."
The Top Celebrity Resolutions We Probably Don't Want to Copy
- Kiefer Sutherland: Drive faster when drunk so I get home before the cops catch me.
- Howie Mandell: Check with Donald Trump for some advice on a new hair style.
- Kim Kardashian: Try my best not to be so subtle with the makeup.
- Kate Moss: Totally get serious and not eat until I lose those last 50 pounds.
- Lady Gaga: Break out of fashion rut, try something new and wild for a change.
- Tom Cruise: No mind-altering drugs, no matter what those quacks at UCLA Medical Center are constantly advising.
- Tiger Woods: Get in a few extra practice holes each week.
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