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Dec. 20th, 2009|12:07 pm |
In the news this week, fifty million window blinds are being recalled because they nearly strangled children. Well, one weekend with my hooligan nephews and the designers will race to make new models where the word *nearly* doesn't apply.
The Top Bad Names for a Holiday Business
- The Dec 24th "You'll Take Whatever's Left and Like It!" Emporium
- Soon Abandoned Pets
- Rudolph's Venison Sausage and Jerky Shoppe
- Woron Christmas Gifts
- Nova Ginia's Holiday Gifts
The Top Signs You Pronounced It Wrong
- Apparently "Aboriginal" doesn't rhyme with "vaginal."
- If you're just here for a removal of a bone spur, why is the nurse shaving your pubes?
- Like you really know how to frickin' pronounce "glockenspiel."
- What? Pus in a tooth gives all your food a pussy taste.
- You got sentenced to community service cleaning out shower drains at a homeless shelter after defending yourself for a parking violation.
- Your endless Senate speech is interrupted by a wrangler bringing in the untamed female colt you requested.
- Your friend spent 20 minutes looking for the dancer's tongs.
- Nobody was very happy last Thanksgiving when Grams read your e-mail to the family announcing that you'd gone to Bangkok and Phuket in Thailand for the holidays.
- Four nuns ran away screaming, two nuns dropped dead, a priest threw a bucket of holy water on you and the altar boy just smiled.
- Tell one person you smoked a hookah and the next thing you know you're under arrest for the murder of a streetwalker.
- Judging by the agitated murmuring of his diplomatic ministers, you may have just gotten off on the wrong foot with King Asol.
- That hot French girl in your class slipped you her brother's phone number.
- Cooling your heels in a Mexican jail while waiting for a shotgun wedding to the new neighbor's daughter wasn't at all what you had in mind when you asked to borrow a cup of sugar.
- A troupe of yellow-polka-dot-wearing midget cowboys on Shetland ponies just apprehended your grandmother and toted her off to bible school.
The Top Surprises in James Cameron's "Avatar"
- Due to a last-minute computer glitch, all the avatars look like Papa Smurf.
- Closing credit song is a Celine Dion cover of "One Tin Soldier."
- Main characters are represented on screen by smiley-face icons.
- There's actually a brief moment in the film that *isn't* CGI.
- In one wide shot of the Na'vi, you can clearly see the Blue Man Group.
- The military doesn't have an exit strategy there either.
- That much touted invented language? Roger Ebert's snores played backwards.
- During the final credits, Cameron comes on to personally thank you for helping him to finance his latest purchase, the state of Colorado.
- The planet's "rare mineral" is dried Na'vi poo.
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