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Dec. 18th, 2009|08:49 am |
That Mensa Boot Camp was really tough. I mean, no one likes to wake before dawn with some geeky drill instructor screaming "Awright, you phytophagous Deliae Ineptifrons, levitate and radiate!"
Interesting bit of cultural trivia: The literal translation of the Japanese word "karaoke" is: "look like a friggin' idiot."
Here's a tip for the guys: My matter how good-looking a guy you may be, if you're in a strip club and one of the girls comes up and says, "How about a lap dance?" she probably isn't asking YOU to dance for her.
Show me a man who claims that squirrels aren't dangerous and I'll show you a man who has never lost a toe while shooting at one after spending the entire afternoon drinking malt liquor.
The Top Celebrity Holiday Plans
- Barack Obama: No real plans, since they don't celebrate Christmas in his country.
- Jonas Brothers:
1) Remove purity ring
2) Lose virginity
3) Replace purity ring
4) Repeat
- Michael Jackson: Chill.
- Angelina Jolie: Adopt 4 Congolese, 3 French teens, 2 Turkish tots, and a Carthage infant, age three.
The Top Ways You Can Tell Santa Has a Military Background
- The man knows how to drop ordnance.
- Treats his subordinates like elves.
- Yells "Kick the tires and light the fires!" before every mission even though he knows sleighs don't have wheels.
- Can pack one helluva duffel bag.
- Has his reindeer trained to always police the area after, well, you know.
- Refers to his annual trip as "TDY," and says what happens there stays there.
- Where else could he learn to travel alone, infiltrate hundreds of nations silently without getting caught, and finish the mission every time? Had to be Special Forces.
- Even though it takes hundreds to accomplish the mission, he gets all the credit because he's the frickin' pilot.
The Top Signs You Over-Decorated for the Holidays
- This year's great idea: Injecting the dog's ass with red and white paint so when he drags it across the carpet, it leaves a festive candy-cane trail.
- Your animatronic elves are so realistic that you have to keep chasing Angelina Jolie off your front lawn.
- A PETA rep wants to know how you secured that red light bulb to Fluffy's nose -- and where you hid the battery.
- The telltale sparkle in your sputum confirms it: You have tinselitis.
- On your way home your GPS says, "Turn left at... OH MY GOD! I'M BLIND!!!"
The Top Workplace Fears
- Dilbertphobia: Fear of career stagnation after making references to Evil Catbert and the PHB.
- Tatphobia: Fear that someone will recognize your butt and know who posted those photocopies.
- Flatuphobia: Fear of trying to squeeze out a small fart during a meeting and having it turn audible.
- Buddyophobia: Fear that you boss will send you a "Friend Invite" on Facebook.
- Crossmeetophobia: Fear of being called on in a meeting while working on a crossword puzzle.
- NSFWophobia: Fear your boss will walk by while you are looking at a naked celebrity website.
- Mochauricphobia: Fear that a disgruntled coworker peed in the coffee pot.
- Fumblesendophobia: Fear of accidentally hitting the "Reply All" button when sending snarky comments about the CEO's new business plan to your pal in the next room.
- Trackophobia: Fear of having your boss examine your internet browser history.
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