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Nov. 5th, 2009|08:06 am |
We watched in amazement as the heated cutting utensil sliced through the yellow dairy spread like a hot knife through butter.
As I stood at the cash register with my cart full of goods, I suddenly realized I was in my underwear and bunny slippers, unshaved and rather malodorous, and people around me were whispering and snickering. I guess I do WAY too much shopping online.
Oh, sure, women will *say* they want a man who can still view the world with childlike wonder, but watch how quickly they change their tune when you put a small garden snake put down their pants.
Busch beer is the official beer of NASCAR, but I don't think people who drive that fast and recklessly should have an official beer. That would be like Wild Turkey becoming the official whiskey of domestic disturbances.
When it comes right down to it, sex is a lot like shampoo: That tingling sensation lets you know it's working.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by. Damn lousy Yahoo maps.
The Top Things Not to Say Around Your Fantasy Football Buddies
- "Now exactly how does Fantasy Malibu Barbie fit in with all this?"
- "My next pick is to get a life."
- "Am I ready for Fantasy Football? For the last week, I've been imagining myself getting spanked by Tony Romo!"
- "Wow. And you guys call me and my Dungeons and Dragons group nerds?"
- "Sorry I missed the draft, but hey, how often is 'Swan Lake' on PBS?"
- "Wassuup? Waassuuuuuup? Waaaasssssuuuuuuuuuup?"
- "I think maybe next year's draft should be held someplace that doesn't serve alcohol."
- "Football?! Sunday is a day of REST, you Satan Buggerers!!"
- "Sorry, guys, my E! Red Carpet Fashion Fantasy League takes up most of my energy these days."
- "Why is my team all cheerleaders? Because that's *my* fantasy, Couch-Boy."
The Top Benefits of Napping on the Job
- Night Watchman: Able to honestly say they didn't see a thing.
- President: Rested up to answer that 3 a.m. phone call.
- Support Desk: Keeps customers expectations realistic.
- Actor: Helps you to achieve oneness with your inner Keanu.
- News Anchor: Get to miss all the really depressing-type news.
- Airline pilot: Determine maximum cruising range of that San Diego-to-Minneapolis flight.
The Top Signs Your Barber Is Crazy
- He brags about the time he cut Sinatra's hair -- last week.
- Before he sweeps up, he invites you down on the floor with him to make hair angels.
- Flowbee + nitrous blower + crystal meth = world's fastest haircut, baby!
- Asks you if you'd prefer the Don King or the Bald Britney.
- There's a Silly Straw sticking out of the disinfectant jar and his tongue is blue.
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