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Oct. 30th, 2009|08:28 am |
My best pick-up line is to tell every woman I meet that I will absolutely be the best she's ever had. Fortunately, by the time she realizes I'm not, I'm already done.
So my online Tolkien Society buddies were one-upping each others' ability to translate the elvish in the "Lord of the Rings" movies in real time, but only *I* could tell it was actually being slightly corrupted by a subtle Klingon accent. Take that, losers!
The good thing about putting a Gummi bear in your belly button is that the heat keeps it soft and chewy. The bad thing is that when you remove it, it comes out wearing a lint toupee.
A group of attractive young ladies at work often ask me to join them at the bar after hours. I'd like to think I get invited for my charm, wit or rugged good looks, but it's more likely so that when they start to think my 36-year-old ass is sexy, they know they've had enough to drink and call it a night.
Stupid animal rights activists, thinking they can tell me not to eat fish. I mean, sure, it was out of the aquarium at my gynecologist's office and the fish in question was still alive, but they didn't have a sign saying, "Don't eat the fish" or anything. People are so uptight.
The Top Signs Your Halloween Party Is Sucking
- After you showed up in that Grim Reaper costume, half of the Quiet Acres Retirement Home residents had to Rascal back to their suites and change costumes.
- The woman dressed as Angelina Jolie insists on taking your newborn with her when she leaves.
- Just as you're meeting your boss's wife, your 4-year-old enters the room with your wife's strap-on dildo on her head, proclaiming she's a unicorn.
- "Dick Cheney" waterboards the hostess to find out where the good beer is.
- Disappointed, hungry zombies are shuffling their way over from Jessica Simpson's house next door.
The Top New Rules in Modern Vampire Movies
- If they can't locate a coffin in which to hide, they find a Goth crowd and blend in.
- Only turn into a bat when paparazzi aren't around.
- Health care activists demand they wear fang condoms.
- Today's vampires can assume the form of a bat, a wizard or an 18-wheel semi.
- Los Angeles Vampire Union insists its members be well-tanned.
- Can now see themselves in a mirror; it's their tweets that are hidden.
- Vampires who have bitten underage victims now required to register and notify local authorities of their whereabouts.
- Forget A, B, AB and O. New blood types: Triple Mocha Cappuccino and Hazelnut Caramel Latte.
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