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Oct. 22nd, 2009|07:46 am |
Senior sexuality: the love that keeps forgetting its name.
I've practiced meditation most of my life. It's better than lying around doing nothing.
So scientists are all giddy because they discovered a new species sub-human? They should just check out my poker buddies.
If the fashion industry is going to keep making blouses with pads in them to make it look like women have big, broad shoulders, then it's only fair that we demand men's shirts with foam breasts sewn into them.
I heard that the world is going to end in 2012, because that's only as far as the Mayan calendar goes. But the news gets even worse: I checked MY calendar, and it only goes to the end of this year!
The Top REALLY Old Jokes
- Guy walks up to an executioner and says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
- My doctor told me I had the plague. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "Why? Even if you don't have the plague, your life expectancy is only, like, 30 years, tops."
- You might be a redcoat if you think a colonist is a physician who examines your bum.
- How many Spaniards does it take to start an Inquisition? Just Juan.
- So the sorcerer said, "Because if thy manhood doesn't go down 8 hours after taking the potion, thou will need to see thy physician for the pain in thy *wrist*."
The Top Signs Your Law Professor Has Lost His/Her Mind
- Often cites the case of "Alien v. Predator."
- Answers all questions with, "Please don't feed the estoppels."
- Gives a reasonable factual situation during a final exam.
- Claims to have been born and raised on Blackacre.
- Makes students recite the amendments to the Constitution, but after each one they need to add the phrase "in bed."
- Hums the theme from "The People's Court" before each lecture.
- She comes to class disheveled and unprepared, claiming she left her lecture notes in her neighbor's homemade aluminum-foil balloon.
The Top Items on Bill Gates' Resume
- With the release of ever-more powerful operating systems that have greater computing requirements, caused an increase in supporting technologies, including memory, drive space and support costs.
- Became an expert in European laws regarding legal monopolistic and oligopolistic practices.
- Created various Windows design features which helped spur massive growth in the underground programming sector.
- Single-handedly kept competitive business practices from interfering with the unbridled growth and smashing success of the technology sector.
- Increased Apple's market share to over 10% during the past decade.
- Created revolutionary, state-of-the-art real-time training program for metal-detection specialists in war-torn countries via desktop application named "Minesweeper."
- Education: Some college. Programming Languages: BASIC. Management Experience: 25 years holding Ballmer's choke chain.
- 1984: Winner, John Denver look-alike contest.
- Appointed the manager who selected the committee that decided the color for the BSOD.
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