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Oct. 26th, 2005|11:40 pm |
The Top Signs Your Lawyer Will Be Joining You in Prison
Offering to "make this go away" is one thing. Blowing it up is *QUITE* another.
She recommends an appellate attorney "who can give us a group discount."
"You think I'm screwing you NOW? Just wait!"
He makes frequent visits to your cell during the trial to "get a feel for the place."
Her checklist during jury selection is divided into "bought" and "to do."
He just asked you to pay his fee in cigarettes.
Despite mountains of implicating evidence, your brother the lawyer is doing his damnedest to get you off the murder rap... or saw through your shared limb trying.
His new trial strategy: Hold the jury hostage until they come back with a not-guilty verdict.
No matter how cool the murder weapon was, he still should have turned it over to the authorities.
"Uh, I don't think I'll have any problem finding time to sit with you to discuss an appeal."
You're shocked to discover that Armani makes plain orange cotton jumpsuits.
The pinstripes on his suit look slightly wider today.
He sends his brothers Luigi and Antonio to "interview the witnesses."
Says he's looking forward to a reunion with all his past clients.
A family law practice guaranteeing "spousal disposal" was bound to attract the attention of law enforcement at some point.
"You break the law, we fix it" was probably not the best idea for a slogan.
The Top Signs Your Boss Is Trying to Kill You
She makes you eat at work. Your employer? McDonald's.
Replaces your regular coffee with decaffeinated cyanide.
"Hey, those lab rats are expensive. Let's test the stuff on Herb in accounting."
You're representing the company on a week-long conference in the largest remaining building in Iraq.
Starts showing up on time.
The Top Signs You've Hired a Bad Dating Coach
You: Can't work up the nerve to make a pass at your date.
Coach: Keeps comparing your date to your mother.
When you tell him you want to treat her royally, he suggests taking her to Burger King
He's married, has 17 kids and a chain-smoking wife and tells you he is in the business "So that everyone can feel the joy I do each morning."
"C'mon son, your mama loves it when I do that do her."
It's not so much that Jethro is a bad dating coach, it's just that I prefer to date within my own species.
In theory she's correct... but in real life, it's terribly difficult to get his current financial statements audited before the first date.
Clients include OJ Simpson, Robert Blake, Michael Jackson, Ike Turner, Scott Peterson....
He's really impressed how quickly you learned the difference between cuddling and misdemeanor assault.
Before you could even get through Lesson Two, he had to rush off for a restraining order hearing. He says it's no big deal because it's certainly not his first!!!
Front of card: "Dr. Love, maker of matches that rival heaven's."
Back of card: "Julius Schwartz, tort attorney specializing in
sexual harrassment for 22 years"
He thinks "orgasm" is a bunch of Japanese folks, folding paper into cranes. |
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