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Sep. 15th, 2009|08:03 am |
If you ever get pulled over by a police officer and he says, "Where's the fire?" just say, "At my house!", then speed off. But remember to call ahead and have someone start a fire at your house, or you'll end up in mighty big trouble.
Jason Brewer
You know what's funny? Stuffing your pockets with Alka Seltzer, then jumping in the pool and screaming, "ARRRGGGGHH!!!!! Somebody filled the pool with acid!!!" You know what's not funny? Lifeguards. No sense of humor, those guys.
Ken Foster
If I were to bake a pineapple upside-down cake and send it to my sister in Australia, it would arrive, naturally, as a pineapple rightside-up cake; however, my sister, being upside down herself, would perceive it as a pineapple upside-down cake, as intended. And there you have it: Einstein's Theory of Relativity in a nutshell.
Chris MacEachen
The Top Worst Things to Put on Your Resume
- Continuous Bong Hit Duration Champ, Non-Fraternity Division, U Cal Davis -- 2002-2004, 2006, 2008-present
- Chairman of the John Wayne Gacy Innocence Project
- Titles Held: Mommy's Little Big Man
- Lifetime Order of Merit, National Brotherhood of Corporate Whistleblowers
- Biggest Accomplishment: Currently keeping your daughter secured in an undisclosed location with enough air for 24 hours
The Top Prize-Winning Excuses for Being Late to Work
- I had to make up for being early in a parallel universe or a rip in the time-space continuum might spawn a black hole that would swallow the entire galaxy.
- Time ran away from me. I was testing the new Beatles Rock Band game with three of the *actual* Beatles.
- I had a flat tire. In front of a whorehouse. Right behind a car that looks *identical* to yours. Here, I took a photo with my cell phone to show you. Weird coincidence, isn't it?
- Last night was draft night for my Obama Fantasy Czar League.
- Salma Hayek insisted I take her out to breakfast afterwards. And lemme tell ya, that chick can put away the pancakes.
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