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Sep. 4th, 2009|03:46 pm |
Sometimes at work I hold a pen like it's a gun, aim it carefully, then pretend to shoot it at all the people in the office who think I'm weird. But I usually just end up drawing all over my face -- which makes people in the office think I'm weird.
Scott Griffin
I still think one of mankind's greatest inventions is that little brown strip that appears in the bottom of my underwear to tell me when it's time to wash them.
Michael F.
The Top Complaints of the Fashion Police
- When we blow our whistles, everybody starts to dance "YMCA."
- Virtually impossible to get a 9mm automatic pistol in mauve.
- Despite searching for years, we can't find the place that keeps making leopard print sweatpants.
- People keep making claims about carpets and drapes not matching. What do we look like, Interior Decorators?
- The people who claim off-white is still ok to wear after Labor Day.
- "Cellulite Insertion in Spandex with Intent to Flaunt" is *STILL* not a felony.
- We can only arrest offenders, we can't put them out of our misery.
The Top Reasons Scientology Is Better Than Junk Mail
- "Dianetics" is more believable than ad copy because it was written by a professional *science* fiction writer.
- Instead of sending tons of paper to landfills, Scientology "recycles" paper. Specifically, those green pieces in your wallet.
- No screaming allowed in Scientology. Junk mail could harm your vocal chords.
- Scientology only makes you look stupid. Junk mail makes you look insane as you happily take your scissors to it.
- They both make fantastic claims, supported by mountains of BS, but with Scientology you get lots of screwy friends to hang with.
- Scientology: Tom Cruise, Nick Cage, John Travolta.
Junk Mail: Ed McMahon, Wilford Brimley, C. Everett Koop.
- It's more fun shredding Scientologists than shredding junk mail.
- Katie Holmes is hot.
- Throw out junk mail and it's back the next day. Open the door to Scientologists while wearing a 12 inch strap-on and they never return.
- No one ever went batshit crazy on Oprah because of junk mail.
- Junk mail is OK as a barbecue lighter, but chuck a Scientologist on the barbie for both slow-burning fuel *AND* free pork steaks!
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