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Aug. 25th, 2009|04:00 pm |
I could tell by the way she looked down at my lap she was interested in more than just small talk. "Can I help you?" I queried. "License and registration," she answered, "or did you urinate all over that, too?"
Brad Simanek
Can anyone help me figure this out? Every month or so, my wife becomes very irritable and for a few days wants nothing to do with me. Call me naive or superstitious, but I think she maybe turning into a werewolf.
Wiley
The Top Complaints About Zombie Insects
- They check into your brain; they don't check out.
- Flattened at least a dozen times, that dang fly still keeps coming back for more.
- Zombie spiders? Sure they move slower, but it's tough to target such a tiny little head with a rifle.
- Mosquitoes are annoying. Zombie mosquitoes trying to suck out your brains? Even more annoying.
- When termites attack, you can actually hear the house screaming.
- When they come out of their cocoons, butterflies now resemble cheery little vampire bats.
- New from Raid! Zombie Roach Motels that look like boarded up little farmhouses in the Pennsylvania hills.
The Top Differences If the Internet Had Been Invented by Women
- Removed a "w" from "www" to make it look thinner.
- Porn sites won't load unless you first blog about your feelings.
- eBay? Nothing but page after page of shoes.
- Tipper Gore would be world famous, while Al would be just some former VP or something.
- There'd be no way to disable the "Do you think she's prettier than me?" pop-up.
- Most popular social media sites would be ItsNotYouItsMySpace, FixMyFacebook, and Titter.
The Top Passages From Bad Vampire Novels
- In that frozen moment as he loomed lethally over his prey, a beam of daylight stabbed suddenly through the breathless dark. Stab! Stab, stab, stab! "Them's some moves, feller," opined his would-be victim, as Nostrus zigzagged backwards. "You oughtta be on Transylvania's Got Talent!"
- The moonlight playing on her already pale skin caused it to look milky and mottled, the way some fluorescent lights make you look like you have worse acne than you really do.
- Anastasia turned the passionate embrace into a death clinch, forcing her teeth gum-deep into his warm neck. But not only did he not squirm, he didn't even bleed! Tasting only a trickle of blood, she couldn't imagine where the rest of it had gone -- until she felt that all-too-familiar hardness poking her down below. Anastasia was upset; she desperately needed the blood, but she never cared much for that particular method of extraction.
- Only one person would have even the slightest chance of saving the town now: former chief of police Eldon "No-Neck" Williams.
- Donna ignored the eerily pale stranger who sat beside her. "Come here often?" he asked seductively. "Bite me," she replied. As the bartender later told police, "Some days it doesn't pay to be a smart-ass."
- The upside of working at Wal-Mart was that he met dozens of low-class losers that no one would ever miss; the downside was that Wal-Mart didn't offer a dental plan.
- The door to the bar opened and Reggie, a 250-year-old vampire who had been sired by the great artist Leopoldi during the Age of Enlightenment only to turn his back on his master's lofty ideals and pursue his own dark pleasures in the tawdry flesh of the back alleys and bordellos, leaving a trail of hapless victims in his wake as he plunged downward, ever downward, into the chaotic abyss of wonton desire and beastly passion, entered."
- "Have a mint, sweetie," implored Narya. "You have vein-breath."
- Simon wasn't the most popular vampire at school. Even the really sensitive and underappreciated bookish girls wanted nothing to do with him. But Eleanor was a different kind of girl; the kind who was as desperate as she was ugly.
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