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Aug. 21st, 2009|09:05 am |
Ladies: You kinda lose the whole "cougar" aura when you start pairing the words "erotic massage lotion" with "bunions."
Brad Simanek
According to a new study, we lose half our friends every 7 years. According to a 7-year study, nobody likes me.
The Covert Comic
I'm feeling a little guilty. Today was the first day of the rest of my life, and all I did was drink Old Milwaukee and watch the Cartoon Network.
Larry Hollister
The Top Cool Things About Working at the NRO
- Not only can you now see past your neighbor's privacy fence to see her sunbathing naked, you can check her for melanomas.
- Free Direct TV.
- You get to insert subliminal messages into American Idol broadcasts, ensuring your favorite wins.
- Every photo prevents 1,000 words of bureaucracy-speak.
- Tapping into pay-per-view porn from the Andromeda Galaxy.
- You were able to read the last Harry Potter book while J.K. Rowling was still writing it.
- You always know where that no-good, cheating husband of yours is.
The Top Signs You Hired the Wrong Efficiency Consultant
- After five pages and three references to the Albanian Civil War, his first and only recommendation seems to be to relocate the coffee machine next to the urinal.
- Encourages employees to start dating. If your spouse also works here, you don't need to go home to see them.
- Gives you the report from the last company he visited.
- Have you tried printing on the blank side of an e-mail?
- "Why go home at night, you just have to come back tomorrow."
- Get rid of performance goals people will work faster at their own pace.
- To save time washing hands after meals, he deep fries his chicken in Lysol.
- Suggests filling all the candy machines with amphetamines and putting only JOLT cola in the soda machines.
- "Install shag carpeting, keep humidity low, and the static electricity generated will power the building."
- Tries to sell his patented workstation-toilet.
- Removing those stupid safety guards on the 15-ton press allow workers to remove the material much quicker.
- Establishes a tent city in parking lot of cut down commute times.
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