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Aug. 14th, 2009|02:13 pm |
Ever notice that there are some sentences that no one lets you finish? For example: "I was using your toddler as bait, and..."
Jeffrey Ehrhart
There's no use trying to beat a dead horse -- unless you're trying to tenderize it.
Wiley
In 1901, Annie Taylor became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. It may sound like a dumb thing to do, but she was a genius compared to her son, Ralph Taylor, who went over the side of the Empire State Building in a barrel in 1932.
Tim H. Richweis
The fact that toast always lands buttered-side down is a blessing if you keep your floor covered in marmalade.
The Covert Comic
The Top Signs Your Agent Is a Secret Agent
- Asks you to call him "Double O Ten Percent."
- Orders his Tibetan mocha espresso shaken, not stirred.
- Suggests you take a stage name like "Pussy Hotbody."
- When you see him in public and say hello, he ignores you. That means he's undercover, right?
- His two faces are both that Mission Impossible rubber kind.
- Claims the surveillance camera loves you.
- His car has an oil slick, a smoke screen and vibrates so much it's hard to get a good shot at. Hey, that's my excuse for it.
- Tells you that if you are surrounded by paparazzi, just swallow your right cuff link.
- Has a license to kill. Careers.
The Top Nutritional Facts for the Common Man
- "Contains spices that may irritate the skin. Not recommended for use in '9 1/2 Weeks'-style sex play."
- "Creamed Corn: Not all contents are digestible, as you'll discover tomorrow morning in the bathroom."
- "If you're reading this label, you won't be eating this food."
- "It's a round cake covered in powdered sugar. I don't think fiber content should be your top concern."
- "Just eat the damn stuff like you know you're going to anyway."
- "Scientists have determined that you actually burn more calories crumbling up rice cakes to use as packing material than you do chewing and digesting them."
- "Tofu: Calories: 0, Fat: 0, Flavor: 0. Serving suggestion: Try a burger instead for cryin' out loud."
- "Contains fat, which is something you, Miss 34B and Master 2B pencil with the tip snipped off, would pay to have injected into the right place."
- "Did you know according to the FDA there is a acceptable standard for a percentage of rat feces allowed in this product? Doesn't matter how much, does it?"
- "Technically, ice cream and Slim Jims are *proteins*, man!"
- "This product contains peanuts, which you should have been able to discern from the giant peanut in a top hat on the label and the big yellow-and-blue letters spelling P-E-A-N-U-T-S."
- "Ingredients: Sucrose, dextrose, maltose, fruc-- look, it's all sugar, OK?"
- "This hot dog contains 100% of your daily recommended allowance of pig anus."
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