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Jul. 24th, 2009|10:43 am |
Question: He staggers around with a blank expression, grunts unintelligibly, and tries to eat people's brains? Has he died or been recently promoted to middle management?
The Covert Comic
After being married for many years, I've noticed that parts of my wife's anatomy are no longer as high as they used to be. But I have early arthritis and can't lift my arms very high anyway. I guess nature has a way of working these things out.
Donald Johnson
While I never shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, I did once follow a meter maid around just to watch people get parking tickets.
Lee Entrekin
The Top Signs Obama Is Already Tired of Being President
- Calls an emergency Cabinet meeting to get help building a pillow-and-mattress fort in the Lincoln Bedroom.
- Requests his Secret Service code name be changed to "Shaft."
- "My fizzellow Americizzins..."
- Puts "Yes We Did" stickers in every White House room in which he's nailed the First Lady.
- Put a "Palin 2012" bumper sticker on the presidential limo.
The Top Health & Beauty Horoscopes
- Gemini: Now would be a good time to brush your hair. Once a year is too far between.
- Aquarius: It's time, to gather yourself together. You need to channel you energies in to something you really care about. Like a good pedicure.
- Taurus: Run like a bull. No, really, fatso! Get some exercise.
- Aries: The moon is in the seventh house, and that's also where the botox party is being held.
- Cancer: Sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen! And hey, make it SPF 50, leatherface!
- Leo: No. More. 80's. Hair.
- Scorpio: Date tonight? Acne will be making a comeback.
- Sagittarius: Have confidence in the little things like mini skirts, but do not forsake the support of your family. Or pantyhose.
- Capricorn: Your moisturizer? Not getting the job done.
- Pisces: Your future will remain unclear: a mix of black and white points until you face the crossroads and decide: Clearasil or Oxy Five.
- Libra: No more time to be indecisive. It's Atkins now or bariatric surgery by Christmas.
- Virgo: Unless you want to *stay* one for the rest of your life, it's time to get busy with the makeup, mouthwash and deodorant.
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