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Jul. 17th, 2009|10:22 am |
If you ever see a sign that says "Yard Sale," just keep on driving. They usually only have one yard for sale, and even then, it's covered with a bunch of junk.
Frank Weisbly
The problem with being an incredibly beautiful and sexually unattainable woman is the feelings of jealousy it inspires in others. At least I'll bet that's what my moronic coworker thinks every morning when I "accidentally" spill coffee on her.
Kimberly Ciesiolka
I was fishing and met a man with no feet, so I gave him a bunch of monkeys and taught them to make lemonade. I hope I covered everything.
Wiley
The Top Differences If the Military Ran the State Department
- OUT: Passports.
IN: Dogtags.
- The quality of the chow at diplomatic functions would drop dramatically.
- All State Department forms would be filled with impenetrable acronyms and jargon that... wait... OK, no change there.
- Bureau of Consular Affairs would ban all State employees from eating quiche.
- Instead of Foggy Bottom condemning Country X in the "strongest possible language," public affairs officers would write something pithy on the side of a GBU-24.
- Embassy employees would be required to meet a strict 10-pullup minimum.
- "Would you prefer your capital smoking or non-smoking?"
- Marines would have to use forks and knives at formal dinners.
- Four words for all peace talks: Special Envoy Dick Marcinko.
The Top Ways to Make Movies "Green"
- Use the glare off Bruce Willis' head as a solar power source.
- Utilize the hot air from celebrity interviews to power small cities.
- Recycle the blood in Mel Gibson films.
- Cap and trade plots.
- Make sure that netting of profits is dolphin-safe.
- Does having more green alien babes in bikinis like that episode of "Star Trek" count?
- Government subsidies for pixel-rendering farms.
- New at the concession stand! Disney's "Soylent Green" popcorn, pretzels and candy!
The Top Items on the Michael Jackson Memorial Service Bill
- $50,000 to Jesse Jackson to keep him from asking the family for $50,000
- $12,000 for A/C system to keep Michael's nose from melting under the lights
- $1,000 for Brooke Shields' eyebrow wranglers
- $80,000 on odor control from a 12-day-old corpse and/or a 5-months-long Clippers season
- $250 for Janet's Sta-Clozd(TM) combination-lock brassiere
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