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Jun. 23rd, 2009|12:03 pm |
Hockey haiku:
Hockey season ends.
Nothing to watch for three months,
Upsetting both fans.
Jim Woodruff
I noticed that diapers come in different sizes: up to 10 pounds, 10-20 pounds, 20-25 pounds, etc. I can't help thinking that if some toddler is carrying around 25 pounds of poo in a diaper, its parents should be changed as well.
Michael Tunney
The Top Signs the Internet Is Going Green
- TopFive lists from the 1990s are being recycled.
- Porn sites are now boasting about being silicone-free.
- Glenn Beck videos are being used as an alternative heating source in many liberal homes.
- By killing the newspaper business, the Internet is actually saving trees.
- YouTube.com replaced by YouLCD.com.
- All those porn sites have increased the world's wood supply by over 6,000,000%.
The Top Foods with Humanesque Body Parts
- Lady Fingers: They look like, well you know, but grosser.
- Bananas/Cucumbers: Uh, no comment.
- Strained carrots: Like the nose, it goes *on* the baby's face.
- Parsley: Like the appendix, it doesn't seem to serve any real purpose.
- Brie: looks like something you'd cough up when you're sick, and smells like a body part you forgot to wash.
- Pickles: They go in hard and come out soft. Remind you of anything?!
- Gravy: Like skin, it greatly improves the appearance of your meat, no matter its actual condition. Usually.
The Top Possibly Plagiarized Harry Potter Excerpts
- "It was a dark and stormy night. Harry was doing his Weather Control 101 homework."
- "As he cradled her in his rippling, muscular arms, her bodice heaved with each gasping breath, and, finally, with her loins burning with such passion that she could no longer control her filthy muggle desire, Hermione cried out, 'Take me, Ron Weasley, and make me a WOMAN!'"
- "I made him an otter. He can't refuse."
- "I am sick and tired of this motherf*****g Snape on this motherf*****g train!"
- "Hagrid leaned closer to the young wizard and said, 'The way your dad, James, looked at it, this wand was your birthright. I hid this uncomfortable piece of wood up my ass for two years in Azkaban. And now, Harry, I give the wand to you.'"
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