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Jun. 12th, 2009|03:09 pm |
You'd think that by now, with all the recent advances in technology, someone would have come up with some really good fake Bigfoot evidence.
Shawn Stephens
If I were a psychic, I would run around getting in people's faces boasting about my 100% accuracy rate. I'd close with the line "For instance, I see that YOU would never pay me $50 to give you a reading." So either I'm still batting 1.000 or hey, 50 bucks!
Carl Knorr
It's cool how TiVo will watch TV shows for you. Maybe the next version will not only watch that PBS documentary for you, but then also write a report about it and e-mail it to your teacher. That way, I could spend more time watching TV.
Alan Bland
The Top Screen Actors Guild Contract Demands
- Paris Hilton's immediate removal from the union.
- All casting couches must be manufactured from hypoallergenic materials.
- Adjust the standard aspect ratio to make us look taller and thinner.
- We want Eva Longoria to deliver our pizzas, too!
- Some aging members do not like our acronym; change our name to the Theatrical American Union of Thespians.
The Top New Car Options We'd Like to See
- A sensor that can tell you whether you're about to fart or crap your pants.
- Combo gas pedal/pedicure kit.
- Chick magnet. Not sporty good looks, but an actual multicoil supermodelconductor electromagnet.
- Laser beams to disable blinkers of the guy in front of you who has had them on for the past 7 miles.
- Walk-in glove box.
- Passenger Defrost.
- Air pre-conditioning.
- Automatic bird flipped when someone cuts you off.
- A little seat vibration to go along with the heat would be nice.
- Elvis.
- Smugness-activated cyclist shover.
The Top Rejected Green Slogans
- Save an Electron: Kill a Blogger
- Bicycling: It's good for your health, benefits the earth, and really pisses off those dress-wearing OPEC dudes
- Don't GET a Hummer -- GIVE a Hummer
- Don't Make Us Bring Back the Crying Indian
- Use Recycled Toilet Paper -- Wipe Your Butt With What May Have Once Been a Picture of Spencer Pratt!
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