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Jun. 5th, 2009|10:47 am |
Soccer is a lot like life: Everyone is always trying to score, but unless you're a Latin man in really good shape, it seldom goes in.
Derek Cockram
Whenever I'm walking home in the dark and afraid that a psycho might attack me, I use reverse psychology and convince myself that I *am* the psycho.
Steve Nathans
Any man who has to be taught how to fish probably has a limited life expectancy anyway.
The Covert Comic
The Top Signs Your Neighbor's Dog Is a Reincarnated War Spy
- He always solves the "Wheel of Fortune" puzzle before you do.
- He's always coming in from the cold. And crapping microfilm on your kitchen floor.
- It's not the cigarette holder or monocle that bothers you as much as the leather glove he carries on his left front stump.
- No matter where you hide your trenchcoat, the dog finds it and sleeps on it.
- Only chases Japanese cars.
- She'll only hump your leg if it looks like you're going to give her information.
- Can bark perfect French, German and Russian, but he's an English Bulldog.
- He keeps making "dead drops" in your front yard.
- He keeps trying to intercept the messages the cat leaves for you.
- A radio antenna and periscope that pop up from the roof of his dog house everytime you step outside.
- Barks, "Bonzai," before running full speed into your minivan.
- He pisses in Morse code.
- His high-tech spy gadgets render your tin-foil hat ineffective! YOU CAN STILL HEAR HIS VOICE IN YOUR HEAD!
- Every Christmas he tries to tunnel under and sabotage the train around the tree.
The Top Benefits of Working at a Zoo
- At the company picnic you can sample two endangered species annually.
- Even if the job is relatively low paying, you can always put monkey meat on the table.
- Feeding lions removes need to exercise as heart rate exceeds target goals.
- Unlimited petting privileges.
- Ability to identify over 30 different types of dung by smell.
- It smells better than your apartment.
- Wild monkey sex. All day, every day!
The Top Signs You Hired the Wrong Mercenaries
- Their theme music is "Born to Run."
- When the bad guys shoot back, the mercenaries yell: "I'm only wounded!"
- "Ou sont les drapeaux blancs?" ("Where are the white flags?")
- The one in the middle is carrying a ladder, and the other two keep calling his name and getting clunked in the head.
- You found them on MySpace.
- "What an odd coincidence. I was just a commander at Walter Reed too!"
- Shows up wearing a Robin Hood type outfit with a pocket full of fancy dice and something he calls a "sword of wounding."
- In their black skintight uniforms, they look less like ninjas and more like Audrey Hepburn.
- Their sniper's nickname? Shakes.
Top Signs You're Watching a Bad Blockbuster
- You haven't seen this many shallow characters and cantily-clad bimbos since the Miss USA Pageant.
- Chewbacca looks suspiciously like a closeup of a cocker paniel's ass.
- Spock turns to Kirk and says, "Indeed Captain. Where is our car?"
- Mel Gibson stars as an alcoholic cop who drinks non-stop as e fights the evil Hollywood Jewish Syndicate in "Sugartits."
- The hero's catch phrase: "Ican haz cheeseburger, Muthafukka!"
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