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Apr. 28th, 2009|12:35 pm |
My grandma always thought it was really sweet that I made sure to say, "Bless you," whenever she sneezed. Joke's on her though, as I had my fingers crossed every time.
Nick Ehart
Regarding that thing about if I die while waging jihad, I'll get 72 virgins, do they mean 72 *more*?
The Covert Comic
The Top Ways to Recycle Old Computers
- A pair of keyboards, sealed in Teflon and heated, make for one serious waffle iron.
- Two words: Soylent Beige.
- The guts from a 1985-era hard drive can be removed to make a great carrying case for your iPod, Blackberry, earbuds and a couple of thumb drives.
- Convert it into an ant farm so you can finally use that old "There's some bugs in the system" line you've been saving since 7th grade.
- Throw it in the La Brea tar pits to confuse the heck out of future archeologists.
- Give them to intellectually deprived populations that have no knowledge of technology, like Congress.
- Burn them to generate power for electric cars.
The Top Tips for Surviving a Horror Movie
- Listen to the audience, moron!
- If you hear a screechy violin crescendo, BACK AWAY FROM THE CLOSET DOOR.
- A .44 Magnum goes a long way toward evening the odds against ax wielding lunatics, rabid dogs, disfigured psychotics and revenge-seeking neighbors. Especially if you shoot 'em during the opening credits.
- (A)Find slasher. (B)Do that thing your boyfriend likes so much.
- Move to Fresno, because nothing exciting ever happens in Fresno.
- At the first sign of trouble, start killing off everyone in sight. The killer can't get you if he *is* you.
- Stick your johnson in a pie, and maybe the confused killer with think he's in the wrong film.
- Never pick up a hitchhiker. Even if he's not the psycho killer, he will definitely knows where to find the psycho killer.
- Do not wander around the dorm in high heels and frilly underwear. And that goes double for you girls, too.
The Top Undiscovered Functions of the Spleen
- It happens to rhyme with "Green", "Lean", and "Mean", making it useful in song lyrics, especially love ballads.
- Spleeny-Sense.
- Spends most of its time acting as a mediator, to keep the liver from kicking the jejunum's ass.
- It allowed us to eat rGii7u#K without ill effect back on our original home planet.
- Keep that bastard pancreas in line.
- With so many serious-sounding anatomical structures like the hippocampus, arachnoid sinus, and musculosubcutaneous nerve, there was a serious need for something silly-sounding.
- Helpfully decelerates the entire body when it hits a steering wheel.
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