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Mar. 31st, 2009|08:37 am |
10 fingers... 10 toes. Aw, crap! I'm metric!
Brad Osberg
My co-joined uncles had a saying: "Where there's a Will, there's a Wayne."
Brad Simanek
I choose not to believe in reincarnation, mostly because I'm absolutely petrified by the thought of coming back as a chair.
Mike Ranston
Sometimes there's a fine line between participating in an extreme sport and just playing a conventional sport very, very badly.
Andy Ihnatko
When I was a kid I had an imaginary wife, and it was great fun -- until the day her imaginary ex-husband started coming by. I was afraid I'd lose her, so I killed him with my slingshot. Sure, I kept my wife, but ended up spending the next 28 years in the imaginary slammer. The good news: I'm up for parole next week.
Jerry L. Embry/Tristan Fabriani
The Top Ape Love Songs
- Oh! Darwin
- Fleas Please Me
- Don't It Make My Red Ass Blue
- Poop!... I Threw It Again!
- I Just Called to Say, "Ooh! Oooh! Oooooooh!"
The Top Complaints of the Neighbor of the Beast
- War, Pestilence, Famine and Death's horses keep getting loose and eating your bougainvillea.
- Every time he comes over to borrow something, your lawn bursts into flames.
- The wailing of AIG executives keeps you awake at night.
- His leaf blower has horns, a forked tail and a collection of dog collars.
- Always stopping by during American Idol to borrow a cup of brimstone.
- You try living upwind of a pool filled with decomposing exorcists.
- Yeah, like you're *really* gonna confront him about stealing your Sunday Times.
- The palpable aura of pure evil from his ranch has become unbearably intense now that the new administration has taken over and he's living there full time.
- Leaves his Christmas lights up until April, rarely mows his lawn, doesn't keep his shrubs neatly trimmed, and spills the hollow-eyed husks of condemned souls on the sidewalk when he puts out the trash.
The Top Differences Under President Michael Jackson
- No difference whatsoever -- those rich white guys are all alike.
- Even more crotch-grabbing in the Oval Office than during the Clinton administration.
- "Today, the Department of Homeland Security upgraded the terror threat level from eggshell to beige."
- Vice President Webster is only a heartbeat away from becoming the first black president.
- "Seriously, I *did* have sexual relations with that woman. I swear. Stop laughing!"
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