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Feb. 27th, 2009|08:32 am |
Sometimes when I'm bored with my career as a radiologist, I pretend that I'm a CSI expert looking for hidden clues -- albeit one who's terrified his lab-mates will discover his true identity as simply a peeping tom with a bone fetish.
Brad Simanek
Word to the wise: Even the must understanding wife won't forgive a spur-of-the-moment fling if you have it professionally videotaped.
Joseph Moore
What is it with all these ads that say "Get the credit you deserve"? I don't want the credit *I* deserve, I want the credit someone with good credit deserves!
Clynch Varnadore
When the Denny's menu says, "Two Eggs, Any Style," don't believe it -- they're lying. Today I tried to order two eggs "doggy style" and they refused. Tomorrow I'm going to try "execution style."
James Rice
Pop diva Britney Spears recently opened a Manhattan restaurant named NYLA (for New York and her home state of Louisiana).
The Top Things Overheard at Britney Spears's New Restaurant
- "Crotch-ground pepper, sir?"
- "Have you tried our new Eminem dessert? It's white chocolate with a really cheesy filling."
- "I don't get it -- nobody wants to try my 'Cream of Justin' soup."
- "Oops...They burned it again!"
- "These prices aren't the only inflated things around here."
- "Ah, yes, the tea -- a fine choice! The hot water is Ms. Spears's own recipe."
- "Virgin Bloody Mary, my ass."
- "But Ms. Spears, I think we're facing a lawsuit if we call those cocktail wieners the 'Justin Timberlake Special.'"
- "How come there's only one dessert -- Flavor-of-the-Month Tart?"
- "Let me lip-synch today's specials for you."
- "Don't order the melons; I hear they're not organic."
- "I'd like my burger cooked 'not a cow, not yet a cinder,' please."
There's a long-standing urban legend that the late Fred Rogers, the gentle host of the longtime kids' show "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood," served as a sniper in Vietnam. Could it actually be true?
The Top Clues That Mr. Rogers Used to Be a Sniper
- His song "I'm Taking Care of You" originally included "With One Shot."
- He always took off his shoes and wore sneakers for silence, a little trick he picked up from the VC.
- His off-camera advice to children: "Don't run. You'll only die tired."
- It's quite obvious actually: Only someone with the patience of a sniper could have that supernatural patience with kids.
- Where do you think he picked up that habit of ducking into a building, quickly changing clothes, and then "visiting the Neighborhood of Make Believe"?
- If you look carefully at the start of every show, hanging next to his red sweater you can clearly see a ghillie suit.
- One of the most popular characters on his show was a mailman, obviously a metaphor for Fred's desire to go postal and shoot all his neighbors.
- It's well known he was ordained as a minister. What's not as well known is that he did so to administer last rites for his targets.
- "Can you hit a moving target at 1,200 meters with a cold bore shot?" *BLAM!* "I knew you could."
Your lovely mod recently saw a lovely documentary about a lovely woman in England who still breastfeeds her children. The kids are 9 and 11 years old. Oh, my.
The Top Signs Your Child Is Too Old to Breastfeed
- Your first nipple piercing is caused by his braces.
- His secretary just called to ask if you can reschedule for 11:45.
- He frequently invites his high-school buddies for dinner.
- Her breasts are bigger than yours.
- The driving instructor said she'd have to unlatch during the actual test.
- She asks if you can hold her BlackBerry.
- Her husband wants in on the action.
- He's getting a little chubby.
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