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Feb. 19th, 2009|08:41 am |
So once again, my girlfriend finds a reason to complain about my Valentine's Day gift. Hey, she's the one who said she'd love to get a heart with chocolates inside. And the one I gave her was so fresh, it was still beating.
Mike Ranston
This little apartment of mine is really cozy, but for years I've wanted a more expensive place to show off to my date. Problem solved! This morning my landlord came by and raised my rent.
Jerry L. Embry
The Top 13 Signs Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed
- He uses visualization techniques, but asks everyone to visualize his funeral.
- Tony Robbins: Ballroom at the Hilton
Your speaker: Men's room at the mall
- His three-step motivational program consists of Valium, Prozac and Zoloft.
- His signature affirmation? "Ah, screw it."
- "Everyone has the ability to make as much money as they want, but first you have to get rid of that bitch of an ex-wife who claims to need child support even though she now lives with a power-stock broker in a house the size of Mount Rushmore."
- Previous seminar topic: "10 Steps to a Better You"
Current seminar topic: "Who Gives a Rat's Ass?"
- "Dammit, bartender, this glass is half empty again!"
- During the break, she downs a dozen tequila shots and three boxes of bon bons.
- Spends half the seminar griping about how the zipper teeth on his fanny pack have separated and his Fruit Roll-ups keep falling out.
- "These? These are tears of joy... and... and this is a gun of happiness!"
- Makes a noose out of the microphone cord while looking upward for an exposed beam.
- Invites participants to join him in licking hot coals.
- "Okay, for our first exercise, you all will come up to the podium and just KILL ME NOW!"
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