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Feb. 5th, 2009|08:13 am |
The Top Ways Work Would Be Different If Everyone Were Drunk
- Meetings end up with "I love you, man" after every fight.
- Meetings would have a "designated scribe" who was only allowed to get a little bit tipsy.
- Sexual harassment rampant, but forgotten the morning after.
- The next morning, you don't remember why your mouth tastes like gin and mustard, why your secretary keeps smiling at you like that, or when you promoted your friend Steve's dog Buster to Junior Account manager.
- There's no such thing as an ugly person at 4:53 pm.
- No meetings before noon. And let's keep the lights off, okay?
- Firm cafeteria opens at 10:00 pm, serves only pizza and White Castle.
- Out: HR
In: AA
- Instead of arriving, you now leave at 7 am.
- PowerPoint presentations replaced by scribbles on little napkins.
- What do you mean "if"?
A software glitch caused the 30GB version of Microsoft's Zune music player to lock up over New Years, inconveniencing thousands of customers.
The Top Signs Your Zune Has a Leap Year Bug
- It prompts you to download the latest version of iTunes.
- It only locks up once a week, as opposed to the usual Microsoft standard of once a day.
- No longer compatible with Roman-era file formats.
- Everything is fine through December but on January 26th it deletes all songs by the Rat Pack. (Oops, that's a sign your Zune has a *Chinese* New Year Bug.)
- The only song it plays is a strangely mechanical voice slowly singing, "Daisy, Daisy...."
The Top Signs You're Not Ready for Marriage
- All rationalizing aside, you know deep down that love *IS* forbidden for a Jedi.
- Your current wife is unwilling to relocate to southern Utah.
- You're absolutely unwilling to give her the closet space that your porn collection is using.
- Still three years away from your parole, and besides, your cellmate's the jealous type.
- "Let's see, the wedding's at 7 PM... 'Attack of the Clones' starts at 4 PM... yeah, that's doable."
- Your betrothed still laughs at your "Transformer" bed sheets.
- Oh, you're ready. You're just waiting for the Pope to give the go-ahead.
- Your girlfriend is the maid of honor -- and your other girlfriend is a bridesmaid.
- You spend half the ceremony wondering how you can get you some of that "sweet bridesmaid tail."
- You can't wait to begin the years of non-stop romance and constant seduction.
- "With this ring, I thee... LOOK! FLYING MONKEYS!!"
The Top Clever Responses When Your Kids Ask Where Babies Come From
- "You know Mommy's black dress? When Mommy puts it on, and Daddy manages not to say anything stupid, babies can happen."
- "Well, honey, every once in a while the Viagra fairy comes to visit and..."
- "Think back to that time we caught you and your boyfriend on the sofa, ya little tramp."
- "Human babies? I wouldn't know."
- "Apparently, from your father's secretary. Now shut up and keep packing."
- If you want to continue to keep them in the dark, use the example of the adopted Chinese baby down the street. Work in a lot of technical mumbo jumbo about the intricacies of free trade and the GATT, and after a while your kids will become so confused, they'll stop asking such probing questions. Hey, it works for our politicians.
- "I've arranged for Father McFeely to spend a nice, private evening explaining it to you."
- "Babies come about as eddies in the primordial soup, carbon-based hiccups on the long road to thermal death, cruel hoaxes flung at us by a mirthless cosmos, twisted dreams of-- Look! Clowns!!!"
- Just declare Executive Privilege and label them unpatriotic for asking.
- "Can this wait until tomorrow, honey? Mommy's going to be late for work at the sperm bank."
- "From the unholy union of your mother and one of Satan's minions."
- "Well, Daddy rides a steam train into Mommy's tunnel, and the train blows its whistle. When the whistle blows at the right time, Mommy gets a baby. Other times, Daddy's whistle blows too early and Mommy has to play with an electric train."
- "If I knew that, sweetie, I'd send 'em back!"
- "In your case, it was a quickie bent over the trunk of a '78 Monte Carlo in the parking lot at an Aerosmith concert with a guy who had some dope I couldn't afford. Why do you ask?"
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