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Jan. 13th, 2009|11:27 am |
I'm surprised more people don't appreciate this obvious dieting tip: If you want to loose a significant amount of weight, it's important to start out really fat.
Joseph Moore
The Top Bad Things About Dating a Monkey
- Always "accidentally" getting his prehensile tail up your skirt.
- Even when he's glad to see you, it's still just a banana in his pocket.
- His idea of role-play sex? You dress up like the Empire State Building and he climbs you and swats model airplanes.
- Relieves himself in the middle of dinner -- without bothering to leave the table.
- Music during sex can be nice, but the organ grinder's smirk is giving you the creeps.
- Meeting the parents.
- Impossible to tell during lovemaking whether that sound is an "ook" of assent or an "ook" that means "Get your hands off me, you damned dirty human!"
- Ending up a surprise guest on an "I'm Cheating on My Human Lover!" episode of Springer.
- Never offers to pick up the check, even though she's the one with the high-paying job at the drug-testing lab.
- She meets you at the door naked, screeching and sucking on a banana -- and YOU STILL DON'T SCORE, YOU LOSER!!
- Can't go to the mall without him freaking out when he sees Banana Republic.
- The look you get when you ask the Victoria's Secret sales clerk if they have a sexy teddy with a tail hole.
- Hairy armpits? That's just the tip of the iceberg, my friend.
- His court-mandated attendance at "Poo-Flingers Anonymous" is really cutting into your "together" time.
- Thirty seconds into his romantic serenade and those friggin' cymbals are already giving you a headache.
The Top Reasons Online Dating Is Better Than Real Life Dating
- Your Second Life avatar is a lithe, nimble, talented dancing machine. The last time you tried to dance, it wound up involving paramedics and psychotherapy.
- You can conduct a virtual make-out session while simultaneously campaigning in WoW *and* watching Galactica.
- In real life it takes you an hour to do your hair and make-up and pick out the right dress. Online you can just Photoshop your icon in about ten minutes.
- Whenever they begin to talk about "commitment" you can mysteriously have power or connection problems.
- No need to hire a PI to see if they're cheating on you when a simple keylogger or IP trace does the trick.
- It's much easier to break up by adding her name to your spam blacklist and blocked IM contacts.
- A dozen roses: $40. Movie tickets: $18. Surf & turf: $28.75.
An E-Card, LimeWire and leftover pizza: Priceless.
- When asked the right questions, ELIZA can be quite the charming little tart.
The Top Uses for a Kilo-Carat Diamond
- Use several to make an abrasive tool for drilling through a mega-carat diamond.
- Finally you can have your dream of bowling with a diamond bowling ball.
- I'm hoping for 1000 times more of what the one carat diamond got me.
- Even with daily sharpening, you would *never* have to replace your gramophone needle again.
- Propose to the 50-foot woman before she attacks again.
- Finally, a windshield that really *is* chip-proof. That is, unless the truck in front of you is hauling diamonds.
- To upgrade the Statue of Liberty's Rolex.
- As an example of how a large carbon footprint is not necessarily a bad thing.
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