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Jan. 12th, 2009|08:44 pm |
I avoided every single bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating fish I came across, and still gained 10 pounds. Screw this low-carp diet.
Khaos
Today I realized the hour I extend my life by working out an hour every day has already been spent working out.
Daniel Bokor
I'm terrible when it comes to picking fights. I always end up choosing the one where it's *my* ass that gets kicked.
Brad Simanek
Amazingly, I still have some of my toys from when I was a little kid. I saw them on the X-ray.
Doug Frank
The Top Signs a Politician Might Be Crooked
- He becomes visibly aroused at the sound of a briefcase opening.
- Her website says, "Please indicate how you would have Senator Smith vote on these issues, and exactly how important each is to you, in US dollars."
- The babies he kisses all seem to meet with foul play shortly thereafter.
- During lunch, from force of habit, he passes you the salt *underneath* the table.
- First clue? His "Enron went belly-up and all I got was this lousy T-shirt and $2 million" shirt.
- His brown paper bag "lunch" is delivered by two Brinks guards.
- Calmly accepts bribes without bothering to demand that Mike Wallace stop filming.
- When he moves into the governor's mansion, the movers are uncertain where to put the large box labeled "Hoffa."
- His salary: $100,000/year
His butler's salary: $150,000/year
- Introduces a 9-billion-dollar appropriations bill to aid the "escort service" industry.
- "I've got $510,000 that says I won't resign! What have you got?"
- Sponsors bill to create new Rod Blagojevich postage stamp.
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