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Dec. 27th, 2008|11:03 am |
When I was going through puberty, I learned the meaning of the word "nymphomaniac." I remember thinking to myself, "Well, they have a name for it -- I guess that means I'm not the first."
Belinda M. Van Sickle
Puberty is a time of raging hormones and intense sexual desire, so it's a good thing they invented the ultimate promoter of teenage male abstinence -- Gameboys and skateboards.
James Knowles and Donald Junter
The Top Signs You're Reading a Stephen King Children's Book
- A blood-soaked Cinderella has just incinerated everyone at the ball.
- Curious George wanders through an open door and finds all sorts of wonderful machines in the meat-rendering plant.
- Green eggs? Well, no, those are gangrenous severed fingers.
- King avoids his usual serious, adult themes: funny clowns, choo-choo trains and doggies.
- After the fall, Humpty Dumpty is slowly nursed back to health by his psychotic #1 fan.
- The pop-up kitten on pages 18 and 19 just asked you for some raw meat.
- Waldo's torso is much easier to locate than his limbs and head.
- Your child still wets the bed, but now it's during story time.
- There's a red-and-white striped hat lying on the ground, and Cujo's got kitty breath.
- The page where the woodsman rescues Red Riding Hood from the wolf features realistic pop-up entrails.
- Neither too cold nor too hot, the bears find the Goldilocks-flesh fajitas "just right."
- The wheels on the bus go round and round, as do the wheels of the overturned stroller left in its wake.
The Top Nativity Scene Rewrites
- Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton follow a fading star to the faraway land of Has-Beenthlahem.
- Gifts from the Three Wise Men: an iPod Nano, a Wi-Fi connection and a four-megapixel digital camera.
- In the hot new musical "Sent," a spiritual young couple searches for a rent-controlled apartment in New York City.
- With no room at the Marriott, Mary gives birth in the Superdome as Hurricane Katrina passes through.
- Three Asian drag queens set out across the Vegas desert to find their missing she-boyfriends: Frank, Incense and Mervyn.
- Three Wise Guys show up to collect protection money for the manger so no one hassles Joe, Mary and their new kid.
- "Dude, Where's My Savior?"
- Mary (played by Susan Lucci) kneels down beside the babe and confesses that the child is really the son of Joseph's evil twin, who everyone thought was dead!
- In a huge camel chase, Bruce Willis safely rushes everyone out of the manger seconds before it blows to pieces.
- Baby Jesus played by Dakota Fanning.
- And the Three Wise Guests brought with them bags of assorted food, each containing a French bread roll sticking out of the top.
- Mary isn't pregnant -- that's a bomb strapped to her belly!
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