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Dec. 21st, 2008|11:30 am |
I put out some Rat-B-Gon, but it doesn't work. Not only isn't the rat gone, it hasn't even moved for the last two days.
Joseph Moore
Even if winning isn't everything, it beats losing. Except losing your virginity; nothing beats that.
Randy Lee
If my girlfriend slaps me with her butt cheeks, is that herassment?
Brian Tobin
The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out
- More and more break room discussions about joining the military -- especially after Legolas' e-mail detailing the primo tail that the boys in archery are scoring.
- Too many elves are spending their lunch hour huddled around the bong-assembly line.
- The wheels on the latest batch of toy trucks look suspiciously like last year's leftover Barbie heads.
- Children start receiving gifts like "Chainsaw Massacre Legos," "Transgendered Raggedy Ann/dy" and "Melted Mass of Crayons."
- After just one hour, a shaken Tony Robbins emerges from his North Pole "Unleash the Power Within" seminar, quietly gives Santa a refund, then wishes him luck and leaves.
- They're *all* scheduled to appear on Dr. Phil December 26th.
- Toy rifle production had to be out-sourced to a South Korean ClausCo subsidiary after a rash of devastating workplace corking rampages.
- No longer enthusiastically participating in Hawaiian Shirt Fridays.
- Let's just say that Santa's gonna be looking for a new ride when he finds out the truth about the venison stew for this year's holiday party.
- The toy trains? Nothing but salami and duct tape.
- This year's hot new toy: the Amazing, Incredible Rough-Hewn Block of Wood!
- "Hello? FBI? I have information about that grandma who got run over."
- There's a two-month waiting list for Santa voodoo dolls at the North Pole employee gift shop.
- All of this year's rocking horses are sporting a fifth "leg."
- They punch out Santa's lights before he even gets to the second "ho."
- Come Christmas morning, more than one unlucky tyke will be unwrapping a container of brown, smelly Play-Doh.
- All the "Sorry!" games have been repackaged as "In Your Face, Loser!" games.
- Rather than taking the time to master the latest technological advances, they simply pack every PlayStation 2 box with a Hustler and a jar of Vaseline.
- Sewing a teddy bear is hard work. Catching a bear cub at the North Pole is easy. You do the math.
- Rudolph, elated at finally being invited to join in some reindeer games, instead finds himself confronted by shotgun-toting elves.
- Several of them were caught on video adding real urine to the "wet baby" dolls.
- The See 'n Say little Allison received is teaching her that the duck says, "Santa blows," and the cow goes, "Get lost, kid."
- Five of them pitched a new show to FOX: "Elf Eye for the Fat Guy."
- Cigarette burns on Barbie's posterior.
- The only reason they ride the Norelco shavers over the snow these days is to get to a liquor store.
- This year the kids on the "naughty" list are receiving lumps of koala.
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