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Dec. 12th, 2008|01:04 pm |
The Top Least-Noticed Important Events of the Last 1000 Years
- 1621: "Ouch! This porcupine is a bitch to carve. What say we roast that large bird over there instead?"
- 1879: Thomas Edison gets an idea, and his brother Timmy says, "Hey, what's that thing over your head?"
- 1937: On May 6, Christ returns, only this time he's flying in style -- on the Hindenburg!
- 1962: In Moscow, an enraged Nikita Khrushchev bangs his shoe on nuclear missile launch buttons. Fortunately, the Soviet missile-control computer had just moments before run out of kerosene.
- 1069: Little did B.J. Richard, the sixth Duke of Hummer, know that the accidental coupling of his most intimate region with his 3-foot tall mistress would result in a sexual act being named after him.
- 1843: After years of research, German inventor Gunther Dildo finally finishes his lifelong research.
- 1997: On June 13, my mom forgot to criticize my housekeeping skills.
- 1895: In June, Guglielmo Marconi invents the radio. In July, Guglielmo Kasem counts down the "Rome Top 40."
- 1492: "Heads, we name it 'America'; Tails, it's 'Columbus.' Loser gets a city in the Ohio Territories."
- 1541: During a manicure, Henry VIII accidentally invents the "pull my finger" gag.
- 1450: Printing press invented by a young Al Gore.
- 1517: Prior to nailing his 95 Theses on the church door in Wittenberg, Martin Luther nails 3 Ingrids in the choir loft.
- 1491: Colombus discovers the clitoris.
- 1898: Benny Rabinowitz gets the last open spot on the Braunau Elementary School kickball team, leaving poor little Adolph over there, all by himself.
The Top Items on the Gift Lists of Pets
- Hamster -- Sony Micro-Walkman and headband to wear while using the exercise wheel
- Dog -- "A sock! NO, a ball! NO, a ball in a sock! That would be so cool! Throw it! Throw it! Throw it!"
- Guinea Pig -- a Furby with exceedingly low standards, if you get my drift
- Hamster -- "Quick 'n' Easy Meals Using Your Own Offspring!" cookbook
- Dog -- The Amazing Incredibly Lifelike Inflatable Humpin' Leg
- Rabbit -- a vasectomy for "Mr. Energizer" over there
- Dog -- "Anus", by Calvin Klein
- Dog -- All I want for Christmas is my two rear TESTICLES!
- Cat -- "Chicken Soup for the Disdainful, Uncaring Soul"
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