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Dec. 10th, 2008|01:25 pm |
Here's a tip on auto safety I learned recently: If you're driving through one of those traffic checkpoints and a police officer yells at you to slow down, don't slow down *too* quickly or he'll go flying right off the hood.
The Covert Comic
Today I was injured when I wrecked my car. I'm not sure what went wrong -- I was wearing my airbag, but the seatbelt didn't deploy.
Steven Townsend
The Top Reasons It's Better to Shop Online
- No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet.
- Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel.
- No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter -- until iSmell becomes available, that is.
- The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria's Secret store.
- Don't have to worry about giving in to that Orange Julius
- Since you haven't been able to get through your front door in years, Godiva.com is a Godsend.
- Within seconds of buying grandma a large-print bible, you're back to downloading that sweet, sweet porn.
- Can continue to test your theory you can live without leaving your specially designed "BioChair 2."
- Can openly consult the voices in your head when buying that gift for Jodie Foster.
- Less contact with other humans means fewer on your list to be gunned down at a later date.
- You can finally get that kidney Uncle Bob always wanted.
- In a store, you can't pleasure yourself watching Tommy Lee put it to Pam while your purchase is being wrapped.
- No insensitive idiots razzing you about that place you tuck your wallet when you shop naked.
- When your name is Dick Buttlips, it's better to not have to hand your Visa to a 16-year-old sales clerk.
The Top Complaints of "Working Girls"
- Lower gas prices means good customers now drive to the mall whores.
- Customers who insist on verifying "around the world" with their GPS.
- Carpet burn.
- Guys who expect you to do things their wives won't do, like pick up dirty socks.
- Having to lie about how good it was for us, THEM, I mean how it good it was for them.
- Former clients following them around, begging for freebies just because they no longer have "New York Governor" money.
- Fashion designs always stolen by Paris, Lindsay and Britney!
The Top Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes
- Use as a marital aid nullifies warranty.
- For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.
- Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
- Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
- Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
- Some dismemberment may occur.
- Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.
- Syringe and vaccine sold separately.
- Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
- In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
- Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
- NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.
- For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.
- Replacement blades and toes not included.
- Caution: "Mack Daddy Ken" is anatomically exaggerated and may excite or frighten little girls and create self esteem problems in little boys. |
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