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Nov. 12th, 2008|09:17 am |
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance? Wow! There's *another* thing I didn't know!
The Covert Comic
When I feel the effects of road rage setting in, I find that closing my eyes and taking a few long deep breaths really helps.
El Guapo
The Top Features of Google's Android Phone
- Built-in breathalyzer prevents drunk-dials to your ex.
- It's cheaper than the iPhone and works just as well, but you have to let them graft it to your body and join "the Collective."
- When you dial your girlfriend's number it asks, "Did you mean: Your wife's number?"
- Call settings include "Redial Last Number," "Select from Phone Book" and "I Feel Lucky."
- Super secret twenty-seventh and twenty-eighth letters of the alphabet!
- In sleep mode, it dreams of electric sheep.
- The first sponsored contact to show up in your phone book is your mom.
The Top Things Overheard at the NRA's New Theme Store/Restaurant
- "C'mon, kids! Step right up and play 'Pop a Cap in the Donkey!'"
- "Betty! Take a shot of me in front of the Second Amendment display. NO!! With the camer---" (thud)
- "OK, this is a stick-up!! Don't anybody mov... uh, oh."
- "I wish you hadn't done that, boy -- the people who work here are on our side."
- "Yikes. Those sawed-off shotgun drinking fountains take a little getting used to."
- "Attention shoppers, please keep your wallets out of sight. Some NYPD officers have entered the store, and you DON'T want to alarm them."
- "Would you like a bag of cold, dead fingers to go with that?"
- "Whaddaya mean, 'cash or credit card'? Just because some criminals write bad checks, you're going to punish a decent, law-abiding check-writer like me?"
- "EVERYONE HIT THE DECK!!!! Oops... False alarm -- it's just our new popcorn machine."
- "A Pokemon model .357 magnum? You don't even play with the Scooby-Doo .45 you have now!"
- "Sorry. Thought he was a deer."
- "Our cheeseburger special won't kill you -- the cholesterol will kill you!"
- "Cleanup in aisle 5! Bleeding liberal pansy in aisle 5!"
- "How the heck did they get Bill Clinton's face on those urinal cakes?"
- "Sit still, Grandma! How else do ya expect me to shoot that there beer can off'n yer head?"
- "Ever notice that the Target store across the street is always empty?"
Fish, when exposed to pheromones secreted from skin of fish under attack, will try to hide. Copper will block the response.
The Top Uses for Copper As a Fear-Blocker
- With a little extra, not only can you block fear, but also create a battery to recharge your cell phone.
- Since it's so thermally conductive, use it to make a spinal solar collector so that you never have to feel that chill running down your back.
- Keep penny rolls in your pockets to stay happy during tough economic times.
- Terrorists attacking New York again? Hide in the Statue of Liberty!
- Alloy it with zinc to cast your own brass balls. You never have to fear again!
- "It's just thunder, Junior. Go back to bed and hug your favorite pipe."
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