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Aug. 19th, 2008|10:02 am |
Oh, come on. If we only had sex with people we actually respected, most us would even have to give up masturbating.
The Covert Comic
Most people would tell you that there's no bright side to having two herniated discs, a pinched sciatic nerve and a right foot that's almost totally numb, but they're not looking hard enough. If any prankster tries to give me a hot foot, there's a 50/50 chance that the joke will be on him as my foot burns to a crisp and I don't even flinch!
Scott E. Frank
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. But if wishes were squirrels... well, then, Mr. Wishful, that wouldn't be so helpful, would it? Who's riding NOW, huh? Stupid beggars.
Brad Hamer
The Top Internet Hotline Complaints
- "Help! All of my illegal music downloads have suddenly turned into Rick Astley MP3s!"
- "It says $39.99 per month for unlimited access, but 384 kbps is not 'unlimited.'"
- "Since I upload more than I download, why aren't you paying me?"
- "I opened Internet Explorer but it's not exploring. It's just sitting there."
- "How can I steal Sandra Bullock's identity?"
- "Can you retake those satellite photos of my neighbor's back yard while she's sunbathing?"
- "Somebody must have hacked into my medical records because I keep getting e-mails referring to my small penis."
- "Someone put softcore porn into my hardcore porn."
The Top Better Titles for Quentin Tarantino's Next Film
- Kill Klink, Vol.1
- Reservoir Dogface
- My Big Fat Contractually Obligated Movie
- World War 2 Hours 47 Minutes
- Faster, Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill!
- Huked On Fonix, Mother&%*er!
- Self-Indulgent Basterd (Who Was Cool 14 Years Ago)
- Gettin' Medieval on the River Kwai
- Please Just Give Me Another 15 Minutes
- Best Scenes From Obscure WWII Movies You've Never Seen (But I Have)
The Top Signs You Hired the Wrong Legal Secretary
- His only "legal" experience is as a convicted felon.
- A believer in fair play and transparency, she sends all your documents to opposing counsel.
- Citations he's obtained this week for relevant cases: none.
Citations he's obtained this week for Drunk and Disorderly: three.
- She makes a casual remark that she never knew so many people had "V" as a middle initial.
- When asked to notarize something, she informs you that she never learned shorthandation.
- You overhear a client phone call that ends, "How hard could it be to just represent yourself? The joker I work for can't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight and they let *him* be a lawyer."
- She translates all your Latin legal terms into pig latin.
- When asked to retrieve anything concerning Guantanamo, comes back with chips and salsa.
- When told that "the jury was hung," she starts to giggle uncontrollably.
- Her idea of multitasking includes filling out all legal documents in lipstick.
- No matter what your client is accused of, you secretary always confesses to the crime.
- Every time you ask her to draft a request for a continuance, she cites as the reason, "scared shitless of losing."
- "Bill of Rights? I paid it with the firm credit card."
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