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Aug. 8th, 2008|08:32 am |
While we're all unique snowflakes, we share the common fate of being lumped on the same giant snowball and need to learn to live together. Until the dead snowflakes rise and walk the snowball in search of sustenance from our living snowflake brains, that is, because then it's every friggin' snowflake for himself.
Brad Simanek
"I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy." As I sat on death row, I reflected on the drawbacks of hiring an attorney who went to law school in Jamaica.
Bob Van Voris
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they deliver the mail?
Larry Avery
The Top Pet Peeves of Newborns
- You suspect Mom has been breastfeeding Dad behind your back, but you can't prove it.
- Bouncing, bouncing, always with the bouncing!
- "Hey, *you're* the one eating the garlic salami, don't you dare complain about how *I* smell!"
- Two boobs, but only one mouth.
- Milk, milk, milk, milk, milk! You can't throw one lousy ribeye in a blender?
- Mommy's implants, while apparently essential to Daddy's happiness, are seriously impeding your breakfast.
- Hanging out at hotels is scary. (Michael Jackson's newborns only)
- You're still *months* from figuring out how to grab your private bits.
- Losing that cool swept-back alien skull look after the first week.
- Every time you finally get your diaper just the way you want it, some idiot comes along and changes it.
The Top Signs You’re a Mob Doctor, part II
- Your cousin's kid goes into orthopedic surgery, and his practice sees a 90% increase in knee replacements.
- "Nurse, hand me dat frig-mo-ma-whatchamacallit."
- You spent your residency studying the effects of lead poisoning.
- You've found yourself uttering the phrase, "Nice liver you have there, pal. Be a shame if something happened to it."
- Instead of telling your patient he's cured, you announce "Streptococcus B sleeps with the fishes."
- A patient shows up at the ER beaten beyond recognition, and your diagnosis is "He's a f**king rat."
- "That's $1,120 for anesthesia, $80 vig."
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