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Aug. 5th, 2008|08:41 am |
Trust me on this one: Challenging someone to a duel by slapping them with a glove is far more effective if you fill the glove with loose change first.
Gina DeJong
I recently started eating a healthier diet -- not so much for my own well-being, but so if I'm ever autopsied and they check the contents of my stomach, the medical examiner won't think I'm a complete pig.
Scott Carpenter
The Top Signs You're a Mob Doctor
- 90% of your practice is removals: about 65% bullets, 25% identifying marks.
- Co-payments must always be in unmarked, non-sequentially numbered small bills.
- Your office hours start at 10PM. You only have an alley entrance. You have a very short memory. Your clients have names like Louie, Fingers, Vito and Sal.
- You've ever declared "disrespect" as a legitimate cause of death.
- You don't have a home address for a single one of your patients.
- You identify "death via 20 high-speed injections of lead at point-blank range" as "natural causes."
- You've actually written a prescription that says "I would suggest you pay the money you owe... quickly."
The Top Worst Opening Lines in a Horror Story
- "Dead people are not a talkative lot, and the necrophilia support group party was starting to stink on several levels."
- "I'll tell you right at the start. The killer was this fat kid who lived two doors down. But we didn't know that when the neighborhood pets started disappearing."
- "The dead walk among us, and, given the lousy service I'm getting, they all seem to work at this friggin' Applebee's."
- "Be warned: If you can't handle the thought of people getting disemboweled with a potato peeler, don't read past page 47."
- "It was a dark and stormy night, and you know what that means POTENTIAL CABLE OUTAGE!"
- "I know the Reaper, and he's not really that grim after a few shots of Jag."
- "Mother had always warned me about pissing off tranny hookers."
The Top Euphemisms for Losing Your Virginity
- Throwing out the First Pitch
- Biggie-Sizing Your Sex Life
- Moving out of Palmdale
- Sending the Boys to Sleepaway Camp
- Humping the Shark
- Taking the Missile Defenses Off-Line
- Ceding Territory by Eminent Domain
- Learning to Work the Child-Proof Containers
- Serving Cherry Delight
- Presenting Mr. Happy the Key to the Furry City
- Entering Heaven's Gate
- Dating Justin Timberlake and Saving Yourself for Marriage
- Finally Having Your Weapon Inspected
- Removing the Training Wheels From the Piecycle
- Taking the NasTea Plunge
- Getting the VIP Tour at Neverland
- Attending the Bush Inaugural Ball
- Taking Fornication for $1000, Alex
- Flunking out of Starfleet Academy
- Landing the Martian Probe on Venus
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