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Jul. 14th, 2008|12:22 pm |
If these walls could talk, I bet they'd say, "AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" every time you hung pictures.
The Covert Comic
If I had a choice between a robot or one of those helper monkeys, I'd take the monkey, because if you lose your job and they shut off your power, you can't recharge the robot, but you can always eat the monkey.
Dan Johnson
Instead of the Happy Meal, McDonald's ought to make a Sleepy Meal. Then I might finally get these brats down for a nap.
Scott Charles
Mom always said, "I hate you! Your father wouldn't have left if it weren't for you! You were an accident!" I used to cry, but deep down I know that if it weren't for Mom's tough love, I never would've gotten the courage to shoot that fifth cop and make it all the way to Panama.
Jacqui Kennelly
The Top Similarities Between Hollywood and Ancient Rome
- Cheers tend to follow when the pious Christian gets torn apart.
- Everyone believes there are gods everywhere.
- Fanciest chariots still end up in the biggest crashes.
- Lots of Democrats, lots of queens.
- Find me *one* restaurant that doesn't serve a Caesar salad!
- Whores having orgies in public. But now they're filmed.
- Whether a Roman Emperor or a Hollywood actress, it is important to prominently display your bust.
- Thumbs up or thumbs down means life or death.
- Christians keep trying to ruin perfectly fun decadence.
- Back-stabbing still the best way to get something accomplished.
The Top Out-of-Office E-Mails We'd Like to See
- I'm at my desk right now, but Minesweeper is a timed game. I'll respond to you as soon as I set a new high score.
- I'm attending the funeral of my grandmother. Please do not make the effort to count and realize that this is the sixth time my grandmother has died in the past four years.
- I'll be out all week. And my office door's unlocked. And there's all kinds of cool stuff in my desk drawers.
- I am not able to reply to your e-mail because I am on vacation. If you fill up my mailbox with more unwanted pictures of your ugly kids while I am out, I will hunt you down and kill you.
- You talking to me? You talking to ME? Well guess what? Today I ain't talking to you.
- I like some of the things you wrote in that last email. And it inspired me to come up with something completely unconventional. Now stay with me because it may seem irrelevant, but brings up a valid point. Imagine that you that you represent everything you just wrote, and I represent every person... GOTCHA! I'm not really here -- this is an automated message. I'll be back next week!
- I will be out of the Oval Office until January 20, 2009. (Barack Obama only)
- I'm out of the office, unless I came in today. It's a Microsoft thing.
- smhdiohsddhmd mdmvre'gjwe' wojt'g ojmqge'ojmv q'q gvjegvr'=2C gv'gogvjgrj (That's my new assistant's ass banging my keyboard; can't get to your message, obviously.)
- I am currently trapped in a dead-end position with a vision-crippled, lifeforce-sucking conglomerate, having lost the will to even respond to email. Please send appealing job-openings and humorously twisted motivational poster parodies.
- Sorry, but I've lost all of my fingers in the large paper cutter and won't be able to respond until I learn how to type with a pencil in my mouth.
- If not back by Aug 06, please avenge my death.
- I'm away on business, so your requests are being forwarded to our general customer service center. Of course it's 12 time zones away and the associates only speak Hindi, so you're probably screwed until I get back anyway.
- For questions about the GMS project, ask Bob; he took the credit for it so, let's see if he knows anything.
- Sorry I missed your e-mail. Not really, but it sounds nice to say, doesn't it?
- I'm in the bathroom washing my balls. Why? Because I'm playing golf this afternoon, you perv.
- I'm not at my desk, and you might have noticed that the new hottie from Accounting isn't at her desk, either. I'll be back when I can regain my strength.
- Actually, I've been back for 6 months, but I can't figure out how to turn this damn thing off.
- ... Disclaimer: Acknowledgment of receipt has no real bearing on when, or if, your message will actually be seen. It is the electronic equivalent of a Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes letter.
- Sorry, I'm away clearing brush at my ranch. Heck, I don't understand this fancy electrical messagificating stuff anyway.
- Trapped in a four-walled cubicle with no water, no food, and a network embedded with porn-site-blocking software. SEND HELP!!
- As of yesterday, I am no longer with the company. I will be helping expatriates from Nigeria to move large sums of money for a considerable fee, and won't need to work with you suckers anymore. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!
- By the time you receive this reply, I'll be in Sao Paolo banging a supermodel, swimming in high-grade coke and living off $12 million in absconded company funds. So long, suckers!
- I can't tell you where I am, but your wife says "Hi," and you're out of beer.
- I don't have email access for the next two weeks because I'm visiting the Dalai Lama to spread his message of world peace. Just kidding! I'm actually clubbing baby seals in Alaska.
- I will be out on May 12, 2003 to celebrate "Mission Accomplished Day," then have short-term duty with the Reserves. I should be back soon.
- I briefly escaped the cubicle maze, only to become disoriented upon seeing the face of the Shiny Yellow Sky God. But my fear of scary open spaces will have me skittering back to the mundane security of my desk as fast as my fast as my harried paws will allow.
- Dude, I am WAAAAYYYY too stoned to reply to emails today.
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