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Jul. 10th, 2008|03:26 pm |
My dad was thrilled when a Heisman Trophy winner skipped his senior year in college to turn pro and was drafted by Dad's favorite team. It's funny how different his reaction was when *I* dropped out of medical school before my final year to become a mime.
Ed B.
Good rule of thumb for gauging the success of a bachelor party: If the wedding is still on afterwards, it could have been better.
Scott E. Frank
Why is that when I'm in an airport bar, there's always some jerk hitting on a drunk chick? And why is the drunk chick always me?
Jenn McNanna
If it falls on me and pins me underneath it, does that still count as seizing the day?
The Covert Comic
They say we all must live with our mistakes. Not me -- *my* mistake left me for another man.
James Steiner
Time travel is great. I just wish we could get past that "one second forward" barrier.
Josh Murtack
The Top Little Known Facts About Hospital Central Supply
- It's not really central at all; most of it is out back in Ernie's truck.
- Expired narcotics are "destroyed" at her place on Thursdays at 2200, by invite only.
- Rectal thermometers now come in mint, chocolate and asparagus.
- When no one's looking, the clerks wrap themselves entirely in Ace bandages and act out old mummy movie scenes.
- In a pinch, all it takes is a little green spray paint and NO2 bottles can be substituted for O2 bottles.
- Offerings of food, money or porn will get you all the supplies you need.
- In order to get juice boxes in some flavor beside prune, the entire Pediatric department spent the weekend painting the house of the supply chief.
- If you fill out the proper paperwork, you can actually requisition back the soul you lost in medical school.
The Top Marketing Slogans for a Fake Grandchild Doll
- Just like a real grandchild, but without the messy emotional ties.
- Guaranteed not to get pregnant when your real grandson plays "doctor" with it.
- Soft as a plastic baby's behind!
- Hey, it hates its thankless, self-absorbed, career-obsessed parents as much as you do!
- All the fake affection of cats, with no litter box to clean!
- Uses far fewer batteries than an actual teenager!
- Save $2 every birthday!
- The doll that *really* wants to know what things cost when you were a kid.
- Pull the string and hear it say, "You're much nicer and prettier than my other grandmother."
- Absent-mindedly leave it in a parked car -- legally!
- She'll never grow and learn to walk, so she'll never work the pole at a Pensacola strip joint.
- "I'm usually sweet, but when I'm bratty,
Hand me headless back to Daddy!"
- Purimopueru: Because your barren daughter and gay son have thoroughly shamed the family.
- We don't make your life. We make it pathetic-er.
The Top Good Things About Summer School
- None of those "C" and "D" students around to make you feel stupid.
- After nine months of socializing, skateboarding, bong-smoking, pranking, sleeping, stealing, vandalizing and having unprotected sex in the janitor's closet, you're quite ready for a break!
- Considerably less chance of shark attack compared to those unlucky kids at the beach.
- Gets the kids out of the house so you can Wii bowl alone.
- It's *much* easier on the ol' back door, now that you're too old for juvie.
- Even the Goth kids have a healthy glow.
- Miss Harper demonstrates the difference between Brazil and a Brazilian.
- Can avoid a few years' worth of future therapy by missing Camp Shurtobeshunned.
- Golden opportunity to bond with your future cell mates.
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