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Jun. 25th, 2008|12:24 pm |
My pastor seemed strangely overjoyed when I confided that I wanted to grow up to be a straight man. He obviously knows how bad I am at delivering punchlines.
Sebastian Pivnicka
Remember: No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, you can always cheer yourself up by scaring the daylights out of the cat with the vacuum cleaner.
Tom Sims
The Top Things to Do When Your Boss Dies Suddenly During the Day
- Take your lips off his ass before people really start to talk.
- Call his extremely fetching wife. After all, he did say you could screw her "over his dead body."
- Place pen in his hand before rigor mortis sets in to sign additional paid vacation requests.
- Rinse out his coffee mug and hope the cops don't ask for an alibi.
- If the Lord of Darkness were to claim his loyal minion, it would certainly be at 4:55 p.m.
- Pause your game before joining the crowd.
- Jab a stake through his heart, just to make sure.
- Get that lamp out of the trash can, because you've still got two more wishes coming.
Songs from the long-delayed Guns N' Roses album, Chinese Democracy, were leaked on a website recently. The album, which cost a reported $13 million to record, will be the band's first since 1991 and was held up for years by notoriously prickly frontman Axl Rose.
The Top Songs on the New Guns N' Roses Album
- Sweet Grandchildren O' Mine
- Sympathy for the Poor Devil Who Has to Promote This Album
- Whole Lotta Waitin' Goin' On
- Live and Let Die (Unless You Owe Your Dealer a Shit-ton, Then Get the Band Back Together and Finish That Album You Started 17 Years Ago)
- Nowhere Band
- I Can't Give No (Satisfactory Reason for My Behavior)
- A Whiter Shade of Fail
- Oops!...I Hit the "Erase" Button Again!
- Delayla
- What a Long, Strange, Nightmarishly Conceited and Self Destructive Trip Its Been
- (I'm Gonna Take) 500 Months
- Past-Your-Prime City
- You're 16, You're Beautiful, and You're Younger Than Our Last Album
- The First Cut is the Weakest
- Appetite for Distraction
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