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Jun. 19th, 2008|04:40 pm |
The Top Lame Excuses for Not Going to the Gym
- I'm trapped in my recliner.
- I didn't want to increase my carbon footprint by driving to the gym.
- Exposing my chest hairs to unprepared females might cause sexual pandemonium. Especially since I've just had both hairs styled.
- Do you know how much extra CO2 you exhale when you're tired!?
- I can't leave the TV without knowing if Gilligan and the rest ever get off that island.
- The parking is so bad, I have to walk over 15 feet to get to the door.
- I've tried enough times. The hotties just aren't interested in a fat guy sitting on the bench-press eating pies.
Last week, the Secretary of Defense announced General Norton Schwartz as his next pick for the top job in a blue uniform. If confirmed by the Senate, Gen. Schwartz will be the first NON-fighter jock or bomber pilot in USAF history to serve as Chief of Staff of the Air Force. His background is in transporting, cargo and lift, along with significant time in Special Operations.
The Top USAF Changes Under General Schwartz
- Air Force "bus driver" uniforms now more appropriate than ever.
- Changes in terminology include referring to heavy lift vehicles as "birds" and fighter jets as "bugs."
- Fighter pilots to receive specialized training in close range forklift combat.
- Less bathroom humor about "bombing Jane Fonda's house," more about "carrying a big load to somewhere important."
- New AF Medal: The Heavy Lifting Distinguished Achievement Award.
- Pilots no longer argue about top speed; now they argue largest load.
- Preflight briefings must end with "May the Schwartz be with you."
- Real men now able to stand up to take a leak on all flights.
- "Delivering the package" no longer means dropping bombs.
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