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Jun. 12th, 2008|11:10 am |
Bart Simpson: What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.
Poof! A beer appeared.
Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women."
Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.
"Oh, man this is the life," the guy thought. "I wish I never had to work again."
And poof! He was back at his desk in the government office!
During a Coffee Break, two men were talking, "My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden." said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man, asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, 'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'"
The gardener said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself."
"I’ve sure gotten old,” said Maury the Snitch. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Sheesh, I can’t even remember if I’m 26, or 62, or 86! Plus, I’ve lost all my friends….
But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!"
In his autobiography, "Treasure in clay", Bishop Fulton Sheen tells of getting lost in Philadelphia on his way to a lecture at the Town Hall.
"I stopped to ask a few boys for directions. They told me where the Town Hall was and then asked, What are you going to do there?"
Bishop said, "I am giving a lecture on heaven and how to get there. Would you like to come and find out?"
"You're kidding; one boy said, "You don't even know the way to the Town Hall." |
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