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May. 30th, 2008|02:59 pm |
If I ever became a hooker, I'd charge by the inch.
Lili VonSchtupp
The Top Surprises In "Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull"
- It takes a double dose of Viagra to keep Indy's whip snappin'.
- Indy dumps Marion for a skeleton. No wait, it's that chick from Ally McBeal!
- Indiana Jones 2? It was all just a bad dream.
- Shia LaBeouf is balder than Harrison Ford.
- Donald Sutherland shows up with some pot and nails Karen Allen.
- Dr. Henry Jones Sr. now played by Roger Moore.
- Turns out Indy first learned about using whips in the bedroom.
- The Crystal Skull is actually cubic zirconia. But it makes a great bong!
- Can Indy still outrun the giant boulder? Yes, with the help of The Scooter Store!
The Top Signs Someone's Not Qualified to Be a Superhero
- Won't travel to towns that don't have AA meetings.
- Takes him *two* bounds to leap tall buildings.
- Wonder Woman uses her Golden Lasso to get the truth. *He's* wiring an Army field telephone to your gonads.
- He's only spent four years in the Superhero Senate!
- Heat vision + myopia = yet more state park deforestation.
- Although swimming upstream is an admirable quality, there just isn't much need for SuperSalmon.
- Can only see through wet T-shirts.
- The day's never *officially* been saved by Excess Comma Reducing Man.
- His call-to-arms catch phrase: "We *must* draft legislation!!"
- Unless supervillains have built their sinister lairs inside beer cans or cleverly disguised themselves as 7-Eleven microwave burritos, he hasn't vanquished a damned thing since junior high.
- Just because people constantly ignore you doesn't mean you're invisible.
- "Irony Man" will probably *never* strike fear in the hearts of evildoers.
- Your ability to curdle milk with a mean glance won't even get you a role in the X-Men movies.
- The "M" on his chest is for Methuselah Man, and he's not really very adept at using that walker as a weapon.
- People can smell the "Brown Streak" before they can even see him.
- Knits his own cape.
- His spiffy toolbelt and ability to solve a myriad of problems are impressive, but his "uncanny sensory perception" is due mostly to the cameras Superintendent-Man surreptitiously installed in your bathroom.
- Can't even get his Legion of Subordinates to refer to him as "ExcelMaster Gary."
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