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May. 8th, 2008|12:06 pm |
When I turned 40, I decided to clean up my act and gave up drinking and smoking. Man, it was tough -- there's no way I'd have gotten through that period without my heroin.
Kevin Freels
I look to nature to find which diets actually work. I suggest the squirrel diet, because you almost never see a fat squirrel. It's easy: Just lose 99 percent of the food you hid around the house.
Carolyn Mansager
Over the weekend, my computer was infected by a virus -- the one where, when you open it, it drinks all the beer in your fridge and gets all sleazy with your woman. No, wait... never mind. That was me.
Andy Pierson
The Top Differences If It Were Called "Put Your Children to Work Day"
- Downside: Countless important documents shredded. Upside: Party committee stocked with confetti through fiscal year 2010.
- The CEO installs a Board of Directors consisting of a stuffed bunny, his blanket and a toy Buzz Lightyear.
- The stock trading board has news ticker items that include "Johnny farted!" and "Karen said underpants!"
- They have a better feel for why you drink so much when you get home at the end of the week.
- Employees' unproductive smoke breaks now replaced with equally unproductive pee-pee breaks.
- Circle, circle, dot, dot, get laid off, I'M TELLING MOMMY!
- HR's Newest Mandatory Training:
Monday: Why Hurting Someone's Feelings is Mean
Tuesday: The Three Hole Punch and the Art of Sharing
Wednesday: Keeping your Hands to Yourself (for all ages)
- Corporate Leadership Retreat replaced with field trip to the zoo.
The Top Military "Sillogisms"
- IF you're in port, AND you've never been here before, THEN it's time to get drunk and raise hell.
- IF the draft is put back on the table, AND it's widely unpopular, THEN Canada's population will increase.
- IF General Lee was from Virginia, AND Virginia doubted there was a Santa, THEN even with a beard, Robert E. Lee was no Santa Claus.
- IF NATO troops are better than nothing, AND nothing is tougher than a Marine, THEN French soldiers can kick the Corps' butt.
- IF there are 300 of them, AND they are Spartans, THEN it's a *no passing zone*.
- IF the Air Force is a real military service, AND ... sorry ... too much ... laughter ... to continue.
- IF one tank can take out a 40-person platoon, AND one plane can take out four tanks, AND one person can fire a missile that will take out one plane, THEN why even start?
- If your drill instructor could give you a mean time, AND Greenwich Mean Time is the basis of military Zulu time, THEN the Brits and the Zulus are responsible for mean times.
The Top Signs Your Medical Journal Uses Ghostwriters
- "It was a dark and stormy night in the lab..."
- The lead author listed by the New England Journal of Medicine for the study? Stephen King.
- Each exhibit and accompanying chart are sprinkled with emoticons.
- A paper describing a newly discovered disorder, treatable by a newly introduced patented drug, has the little "tm" right after the disorder's name.
- The Travel Channel's new feature: "America's Most Haunted Research Labs."
- "The inhalation of the aerosolized emissions of a really fat dooby..."
- Your colleagues are no longer calling it the "common cold." It's now "Pfizeritis."
- "My chest heaved with passion as he tore the bodice of my hospital gown and pressed me against his huge, gleaming mammogram machine."
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