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Mar. 4th, 2008|03:44 pm |
Personally, I don't consider it all that strange to find a sexy message from "A Secret Lover" in my bulk e-mail folder. But that's probably because whenever I get a sexy message from my wife, she sends it via bulk e-mail, too.
The Covert Comic
I got an endoscopy of my stomach done recently. I meant to ask the technicians if they use a different camera than the one they use when they do a colonoscopy, but I was nervous and forgot. And now that it's done with, I'd really rather NOT know.
Jenn McNanna
We live in a dangerous world, and I guess we all will have to adjust to the idea of giving up some freedoms and dealing with a heightened level of security. Well, at least according to that Dunkin' Donuts cashier who strip-searched my wife this morning, we do.
Brad Wilkerson
The Top Signs You've Hired the Wrong Fitness Coach
- Insists a bag of Doritos is necessary for doing crunches.
- After explaining your fitness goals, exclaims, "Oh, you meant *physical* fitness!"
- Has designed a resistance machine to train your "love muscle."
- His physique is less Bruce Lee and more Bruce Vilanch.
- Those aren't typos on his business card; he really does work for "Belly Total Fatness."
- The skinny bastard can't seem to compliment your progress without adding "... for a fat guy."
- Insists that "Calisthenics" is book by L. Ron Hubbard.
- "What say you cut this set short and help me polish off this box of jelly-filleds?"
- His stamina training involves you jogging to the package store and toting back a case of Zima.
- He uses a cheeseburger as a bookmark in the training manual.
- Gets winded unwrapping his cigarettes.
- Today's workout: You push him and his out-of-gas car around town so he can run errands.
The Top Internet Predictions for 2008
- Shortly after Microsoft acquires Yahoo!, Google retaliates by buying the state of Washington.
- Thousands of Internet servers crash due to traffic overload when Britney, Lindsay and Paris hit a crotch shot trifecta one weekend.
- The RIAA launches a campaign to improve their public image by offering free song downloads -- of a song called "Downloading Music is Stealing, You Wretched Scum!" by Yoko Ono and David Hasselhoff.
- Google changes its corporate motto from "Do no evil" to "Meh."
- Medical journals publish the first confirmed cases of lolcat allergies.
- HP/Compaq and Dell merge to form a new company named "Hell."
- A constitutional crisis erupts in November when nobody votes because they're all too busy writing about the election in their political blog.
The Top Peaceful Uses for Unmanned Aerial Vehicles
- Car tracking: finally find out why it takes your teenager two hours and eight gallons of gas to fetch a loaf of bread from the local market.
- Equip them with strange lights and have some fun with the UFO crowd.
- Bring joy to children everywhere by catching escaped helium balloons at carnivals.
- With hooks attached, they make a fine substitute for flying monkeys.
- Fireworks.
- Transporting beer up to 50,000 feet, then bringing it down, ice cold.
- It's possible that with the price of gas these days, it'll be cheaper to travel the countryside by UAV and just watch the video later.
- Track the migration pattern of the Collegius Sorroritus, better known as the Tan Breasted Female.
- "Look, honey! There's a parking space over on 53rd Street!"
The Top Signs That Aliens Have Taken Over the Supreme Court
- Chief Justice Roberts has taken it upon himself to rule in the case of "Roe v. Grand Overlord Zarxnol."
- Opinions not only start referring to international law, but intergalactic law too.
- Justice Scalia's sporting an unusually large number of tentacles this term.
- In a tax case they somehow rule that all immigration laws are unconstitutional.
- They start writing readable opinions.
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