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Feb. 28th, 2008|03:46 pm |
I think they should put one-way aisles in grocery stores. It would really improve the flow of traffic, although it would no doubt be embarrassing if your friends saw you getting ticketed by the dairy clerk.
Jenn McNanna
The government could make a lot of money if instead of using lethal injections, they executed people by having them fight to the death against lions, then put the whole thing on pay-per-view. Convicts work cheap, and those lions at the zoo aren't doing much anyway.
Zoom
Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work. They never last very long, though, because invariably someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.
Brad Wilkerson
The Top 9 Healthy Living Tips from Lawyers
- Suing someone always makes you feel better.
- When chewing a first-year associate's ass, remember to chew slowly and savor the experience.
- A healthy billing rate is good for the system.
- Being healthy requires an adequate amount of sleep. Tax cases are *great* for this.
- Don't take on mob clients. Convictions can lead to "high velocity lead poisoning."
- Eat more fish -- except shark. Leave those poor things alone.
- A tort claim a day keeps the doctor away -- especially if it is a medical malpractice claim.
- Exercise is *not* like work: An hour on the treadmill counts as *an hour* on the treadmill.
- Working as a public defender will ensure you never have the time or money to be fat and lazy.
The Top Problems When Your SO Is Also Your CO
- He makes you spit-polish his gun.
- He always refers to your period as the "Red 4-F."
- Always pulling rank whenever her favorite shows are on.
- Getting your breasts to stand at attention for him gets harder each year.
- No matter how tired you are, she still expects you to be able to salute her, if you know what I mean.
- Instead of the typical headache, she simply orders a Code Red.
- "Drop and give me ten -- lovely polished toenails!"
- All the best bathrooms marked "Officers only."
- Amazingly enough, there IS a section in the UCMJ about withholding oral sex.
- Apparently, you can be insubordinate even when you don't say anything.
- "Drop and give me 20!" replaced by "Drop your pants and give me 69!"
- He always wants to reenact his battle plan model for searching out Bin Laden which involves a really big missile and a really deep cave.
- His telling you to "Come over here, Private Parts" and chuckling every single time really dampens the mood.
- "Oh sir!" during sex isn't as appealing as "oh god."
- "Sir, would you like potatoes or pasta, sir?"
- The first thing you learn when you get Top Secret clearance is you're not the father.
- You cannot "surrender" to him unless he speaks with a foreign accent (French army only).
- You get to invoke the "don't ask, don't tell" rule about forgetting to take out the trash.
The Top 10 Signs Your Medic Watches Too Much "M*A*S*H"
- Now in the 107th month of a 2-year tour of duty.
- His first-aid kit contains cross-dressing materials.
- Keeps referring to your "really high Nielsen ratings" when taking your blood pressure.
- Constantly prescribing 3-day passes for "a little R & R" in Tokyo.
- Freaks out patients because she sings "Suicide is Painless" while drawing blood.
- Refuses to treat anyone if it takes longer than 30 minutes (except for the two-and-a-half-hour finale).
- Teaching himself Korean in order to help the locals, which is a little weird when you're stationed in Baghdad.
- Always ends his day with four martinis –- to help him forget the war.
- Named after his uncle, Pvt. Maxwell Q. Klinger is still trying to get a Section 8 (even though a Section 8 is now a pregnancy discharge).
- Wants to surgically remove your "infected asterisks".
- When anyone mentions "general anesthesia," he snaps to attention and salutes.
The Top Surprise Revelations From the CIA Videotape Investigation
The U.S. Justice Department has opened an investigation into whether the Central Intelligence Agency destroyed videotape of two Qaeda suspects' interrogations, a direct violation of 17 court orders requiring the preservation of that evidence.
- They almost all feature a pizza delivery boy, pool technician, or visiting plumber.
- All a big misunderstanding that began when they tried to order waterbeds for the prisoners.
- Special guest interrogator? A visibly aroused Dick Cheney.
- Nine out of ten interrogators agree: Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" is the best tune to waterboard to.
- Bush tells interrogators to threaten prisoners with even harsher punishment during his third term.
- Republican leaders are outraged by the destruction of the videos -- and scrambling to find alternate entertainment for the convention.
- Rumsfeld kept asking to borrow the electric nipple clips, yet had no prisoner to interrogate.
- There were 72 women on the tape but they definitely were not the virgin type.
- Lots of quick cuts and irritating slanted angles because they hired out-of-work MTV cameramen. On the plus side, "Gitmo Spring Break" looks pretty awesome.
- Not a lot of torture on the film, but a disturbingly large amount of footage of Dick Cheney eating live babies.
- The "Coming Soon" trailers include Iran and North Korea.
- On the tapes the investigators reviewed, Special Agent Hilton sure didn't seem to mind being tortured.
- "This Interrogation is brought to you by the letters 'C,' 'I,' and 'A!'"
- Condi Rice doesn't look nearly as frumpy when she's in a leather jumpsuit and wielding a whip.
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