|
Jan. 25th, 2008|08:24 am |
The Top Translations of Items on Your Hospital Bill
- "We Will Not Share Your Personal Health Information" (But we reserve the right to point and laugh at it amongst ourselves!)
- Mass-calculation instrument depreciation fee (Look, as fat as you are, you probably took a month off the scale's useful life.)
- Controlled chemical system transportation and delivery components (What, you think those little plastic med cups pay for themselves?)
- Anti-bacterial oral dentifice and applicator (Toothpaste and toothbrush, duh.)
- Oxygen: $120 (We needed to put something here to amuse us.)
- Visible-range electromagnetic intensity modulation (We came and turned on the lights for you.)
- "COBRA INFORMATION" (You thought that was a proctoscope? You silly boy...)
- Pulmonary Function Test (You blew in a hollow tube. We watched to see how high the marble went.)
- CT Head Scan (We didn't know what was wrong with you. We guessed brain cancer.)
The Top Best Things to Happen to Women in 2007
- Virginia Slim cigarettes now come in pink, to promote breast cancer awareness.
- Breast feeding in public is not only legal, but encouraged and a way to score some quick cash.
- Bill Clinton appears likely to break Bess Truman's record for hairiest first lady.
- Britney has lowered the bar so much that mother-in-laws no longer dare to criticize one's mothering skills.
- Nicole Kidman is still beautiful, but she's definitely aging!
- Johnny Depp. That's it -- just Johnny Depp.
- Our new, more egalitarian armed forces give women a real shot at dying in pointless foreign wars like men.
- Batteries that last five times longer!
- Final score for health studies released in 2007:
Chocolate is a brain-sharpening, life-extending, sex-enhancing replacement for Zoloft, cigarettes and men -- 37;
Chocolate is a heart-clogging, ass-augmenting, joy-deadening faux promise emptier than Zoloft, cigarettes and men -- 26.
- Say what you will about the spread of stone-age social norms, but burqas hide cellulite like nobody's business.
The Top Best Things to Happen to Men in 2007
- Yet another year's worth of Catholic schoolgirls turned 18.
- Improved spam filters allow us to imagine fewer people will learn the truth about our tiny penises.
- For another full year, the word "vagina" still made us giggle.
- Miss South Carolina: a beautiful young woman who posed no intellectual threat whatsoever to *any* of us.
- Two seasons of "Dancing With the Stars" to distract us from all those violent sports.
- Britney Spears became such a raving nutcase that our once-fantasy chance with her is now a legitimate opportunity.
- Another year gone and Pam Anderson has yet to bio-degrade.
- Old, bald, frighteningly ugly Salman Rushdie rebounded from losing his supermodel wife by picking up a hottie girlfriend half his age within a couple months. And if it can happen to him, then it can happen to any-- HEY! STOP LAUGHING!!
No TopFive.com |
|