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Dec. 21st, 2007|10:08 am |
The Top Signs Santa Needs to Lose Some Weight
- Each year the naughty list increases in reverse proportion to his ability to haul his fat ass off the couch.
- He's started stealing sugar plums from children's visions.
- His fed up cardiologist wrote a letter to the newspaper titled "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But this is the last year."
- Children are freaking out when they find Santa no longer has a lap.
- His orbit around the Earth is beginning to effect the tides.
- The one and only present on Mrs. Claus's list? "Shallow Hal Slim-Ray Spectacles."
- His new nickname around the North Pole: Santa the Hutt.
- This year rather than the customary milk and cookies, Santa is asking for oxygen and meth.
- When he gets up from his La-Z-Boy, he's got not one but TWO elves lodged between his butt cheeks.
- A partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds -- and that's just his appetizer.
- His pantry is bare and several elves are missing.
- Instead of leaving cookies out for him, kids around the world leave greasing butter on their roofs so he can slide down the chimney.
- Santa's belt is frequently mistaken as I-90 in Ohio.
- Workshop elves can't seem to get into double-digit "days without an accident" before another one gets offed by a flying button.
- This year, he's staying at home and telling kids to come pick up their presents.
- His sleigh currently needs 29 reindeer to make it move, and Blitzen is in secret talks with Sleigh Pullers Local #324.
- During his stint on "The Biggest Loser," the other contestants all call him Lardass.
- Not only is the plate of cookies and glass of milk gone, your tree is also missing the gingerbread man ornaments your mother made in 1957.
- He hasn't seen his "south pole" since the Crimean War.
- Lately he's begun to sweat egg nog.
The Top 8 Signs a Pimp Doesn't Care Anymore, Part II
Afair pirmā daļa kādu laiku atpakaļ bija..
- "Smackin' the bitches up" has been replaced by the "stern glare of sad disappointment."
- Brandishes an electric razor to threaten johns who doesn't return his girls on time.
- Eschews his normal 10 pounds of bling in favor of a simple Amish look.
- He's barely able to drag himself to the bus station to pick up underage runaways.
- No longer demands photo ID when accepting checks.
- The constant surveillance and harassment he puts on his girls has been out-sourced to India.
- He's so wrapped up in his Freecell game he tells Charlie Sheen to get lost.
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