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Dec. 18th, 2007|12:08 pm |
Humans might have evolved because of a collision in the asteroid belt 160 million years ago.
The Top Incidents with Unforeseen Consequences
- Incident: The bean is domesticated.
Consequence: So are accountants.
- Incident: Man lands on the moon.
Consequence: A fledging cable channel modifies the image with its logo and goes on to contribute to the decline of Western Civilization.
- Incident: Boss notices "Top5 Science Submit" email in my inbox.
Consequence: Upper management so impressed with my knowledge and wit--I get promoted to CEO.
- Incident: Lead female in Steve Wozniak's garage band quits.
Consequence: Apple is born.
- Incident: Lucille Feynman must choose bongo lessons over the autoharp for her son, Richard.
Consequence: For a brief moment in the late 1960s, a physicist becomes the hippest person in a crowded room.
- Incident: The world's first time machine is invented in 2037.
Consequence: The world's first time machine is invented in 2009.
The Top Things Overheard at the US Air Force Cyber Command Center
- "Soon we'll have the authority to fire nuclear weapons into the strongholds of penis enlargement spammers."
- "Don't ask a/s/l, don't tell a/s/l."
- "The bad news is we still can't physically locate bin Laden. The good news is we can flood his inbox with copies of every single piece of junk e-mail sent in North America!"
- "You mean all I have to do is declare porn as an enemy and then begin my 'surveillance'? I love this job!"
- "Don't worry, it's not a nuclear attack. We just slapped the Missile Command interface over an anti-hacking utility."
- "Who cares about downloading the latest pics of Jenna Jameson off her web site? Just point one of the satellites at her house and watch a live feed."
- "How bad does your carpal tunnel syndrome have to be to get a Purple Heart?"
- "Can't we just telecommute?"
- "Drop and give me 00010100!"
- "I hacked the Navy Quartermaster's server! Let's change all the admirals' uniforms to powder-puff pink with duckies!"
- "It's amazing the intel you can get while masquerading as a 13-year-old girl!"
- "So what if I can't do three pushups? I can bring North Korea to its knees!"
The Top Signs the North Pole's Being Run by Lawyers
- $5 million insurance policy taken out on Santa because "he ain't gettin' any younger."
- Every good kid gets a yellow legal pad as a gift.
- Most toy manuals now need to disclose "common sense not included."
- All toys include shrinkwrap liability release forms.
- Stripes on candy canes? Actually fine print reading "Not responsible for any eye damage."
- Santa's sleigh grounded do to the methane output of his "engines."
- All kids get gifts this year because the "naughty" list is stayed pending appeal.
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