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Nov. 8th, 2007|11:32 am |
It's surprising how much you can learn about a person by simply sitting in your car a few nights across the street from their house.
Jerry L. Embry
Women are like diamonds: The ones you see on TV are always nicer than the ones you can actually afford.
Brad Osberg
A German man who taught his dog to raise his right paw in a Hitler salute will have to appear in court in Berlin. The sheepdog, called Adolf, allegedly performed the trick at his master's request in front of two policemen.
The Top Signs Your Dog Is a Fascist
- When at the off-leash dog park, only associates with blue-eyed purebred golden retrievers.
- Has never been quite the same since he was rejected from art school.
- Insists the the world banking industry is controlled by a cabal of cats.
- He laughs at the prospects of a black Labrador winning any medals at the Berlin Dog Show.
- Every time it passes by, he tries to invade the Poland Spring truck.
- He started burying bones right after your next-door neighbor, Mr. Cohen, disappeared.
- When he walks by, the French poodles always roll over and surrender.
- She just annexed your favorite recliner again.
- The cat's been living in a secret room over the kitchen for the last two years.
- Insists on being addressed as "Mein Fur-rer" or "Il Puce."
- Lays waste to the neighbor's front yard with his dreaded "scheisskrieg" attack.
- His favorite food? Goebbels 'n Bits.
- Say what you will, but that Chuckwagon always runs on time.
The Top Excuses for Weight Gain
- "Looking to go pillowless on my next mall-Santa gig."
- "My stupid scale just loafs around on the bathroom floor all day -- it's about time it carried some weight around here!"
- "My 'Ejectio Calorisis' spell does not seem to be working."
- "It's for a part the Community Center play. I'm playing the Community Center."
- "It's all part of an effort to change the way beauty is perceived in modern society, one piece of cheesecake at a time."
The Top Benefits of Working at the Sperm Bank
- Surfing porn on the net at the office can be justfied as "finding new visual stimuli for the donors."
- All your "lucky stiff" jokes from your gig at the morgue are reusable!
- Unlike at a "regular" bank, you rarely have to make change.
- More money and respect than working at the peep-show, for dealing with the same basic fluid management issues.
- "Stealing office supplies" offers far more interesting options than just Post-It notes and Sharpies.
- A few days on the job, and you pretty much no longer give a damn what Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have been up to.
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