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Sep. 8th, 2007|12:13 pm |
One of these days I'm going to work up the courage to look my wife straight in the eye and ask, "What happened to your other eye?"
The Covert Comic
I remember where I was when I heard about the Princess Diana tragedy a decade ago. Oddly enough, it was the same exact place I was when I heard about the Challenger explosion, Nixon resigning, Kennedy's assassination and the first moon walk -- in front of the TV.
Douglas Frank
I've decided it's time for me to get a dog. Not because I really want a pet, but rather because I'm tired of going to jail for leaving "presents" on the lawns of people I don't like.
Shane M. Anthony
The Top 10 Swimming Pool Pickup Lines
- "I noticed you thrashing around. Would you like to hold onto my floaties?"
- "You do know how to inflate your raft, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow."
- "I'm worried about you getting a sunburn. How about I cover you with my body?"
- "Don't save me! Let me go down three times."
- "Wanna go back to my place and do something about that shrinkage?"
- "Come on, I'm a wealthy neglected housewife, you're a pool boy. It's practically required by law that you do me."
- "Sorry, babe, did I make you all wet?"
- "Now how'd you manage to fit that great big thing into that little ol' Speedo?"
- "Wanna join the 9-foot-deep-end-of-the-pool club?"
- "If everybody here accidentally drowned, the first bloated corpse I'd pull out would be yours, sweetheart."
The Top 15 Differences at a Russian Starbucks, Part II
- Your barista blends the drinks by placing the cup on his head and doing a Cossack kick-dance.
- Add-in bar includes sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon and antifreeze.
- Baristas who spill too much coffee get sent to the Starbucks in Siberia.
- "Try our Chai-coffee-ski with a delicious Rasputinberry muffin!"
- It's spelled Tsarbucks, comrade!
- "You want Borscht Latte with or without boiled potato?"
- Just like Russian mail-order brides, the coffee is hot and steamy until purchase then cold and bitter afterward.
- Music played is restricted to John Lennon and Richard Marx.
- Your pastry options: cabbage scones, turnip muffins and an oddly shaped thing called "Chernobyl Biskotti."
- Cup sizes range from "Lenin" to "Stalin" to "Yeltsin".
- Even after you've had five Absolut Frappuccinos, Olga's still an absolute barker.
- For that extra kick, you can get your Macchiato with a spritz of Polonium 210.
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