|
Apr. 13th, 2007|10:12 am |
The Top Unpackings of What Your Fortune Cookie REALLY Means
- You are possessed of great charm and charisma: We have a serious quality control problem here at the fortune cookie factory.
- A small package may conceal a pearl of great joy: You're hung like a hamster.
- You will come into money: Your brakes will fail when approaching the drive-up teller.
- Beware the sudden silence: You will soon be overpowered and bludgeoned to death by a troupe of rogue mimes.
- The beginning of wisdom is to desire it: Since you're looking for life guidance from a complimentary snack, you're pretty much screwed.
- To find the truth, look beyond deceptive appearances: This cookie was manufactured in Trenton, New Jersey, and is about as Chinese as Elvis Presley.
- You will be successful in your future endeavors: You will manage to open your new bag of fried pork rinds without injuring yourself and will usually put your pants on correctly on the first try.
- Searching the inner self requires a prepared mind: Colonoscopy without a strong sedative is nearly impossible.
- A shower of gold will come your way: Don't stand near fire hydrants.
- Plan for many pleasures ahead: You're wife is ditching your loser ass, so you'll be free to surf for porn unabated!
- Your acts of generosity will be thrice rewarded: Leave a tip, ya cheapskate!
- Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you: Do you recall that joke "photo session" 15 years ago on the *one* spring break night you got loaded? If not, the new personnel pages of your corporate web site should swiftly refresh your memory.
The Top Inaccuracies in "300"
- Chariots with radial tires.
- Slow-motion didn't become popular until the Vikings.
- Spartans did not refer to one another as "Dude."
- Everyone forgets the 301st warrior, Yoko Onius.
- The sky back then was actually the color of Cream of Wheat, not Malt-O-Meal.
- Persians did not have "Cobain" tattoos.
- The "spears for oil" scandal was really downplayed.
- Xerxes' morning parchment featured an ad for watching the battle on Pay-Per-View. |
|