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Apr. 11th, 2007|10:08 am |
The Top Signs You're Seeing the Wrong Shrink
- At the beginning of every session, he pantomimes "You... drive... me... crazy!"
- No matter what answer you give on your Rorschach test, he giggles and fondles his privates.
- He encourages you to "play-act" your rage -- in the bell tower with live ammo.
- She pooh-poohs the concept of a mother fixation while continuing to suckle you every visit.
- For every problem you bring up, his remedy is, "I sense that your naked body is crying to get out of those clothes."
- While taking notes, he asks whether you spell "loony" with a "y" or an "ie."
- "You know, Bob, sometimes suicide *is* a viable option."
- You tell him you're having trouble with issues from early childhood. He says he's wearing a diaper and needs a good spanking.
- Strokes his beard and muses, "Bipolar? Hmmm... so you're frigid with both men and women?"
- He bills each of your personalities separately.
- "Whoa! That's some nasty fantasy! Say that again, but this time speak up and look into the smoke detector."
- First thing every session, he insists you follow his "valuable therapeutic method" and swap underwear with him.
- That's no cigar -- he's actually smoking a penis.
- When you confide that you think you're Napoleon, he refuses to see you any more because *he's* Napoleon.
- When he does word association with you, he replies to every one of your answers by screaming, "WRONG!!"
- Makes you pay in advance when you confess to feeling suicidal.
- HotShrinkBabe69: WhAt WuZ yOuR cReDiT cArD # aGaIn?
- Swears that giving her weekly foot massages and pedicures will help you work through your claustrophobia.
- You're a Freudian/Jungian, and he's a Springer/Montel.
- "Tell me about your mother. Is she hot? What's she wearing?"
- When you mention your compulsive-shopping habit, he tries to sell you the Dr. Laura bobblehead doll on his desk.
The Top Office Superheroes
- The Boss: At 5 p.m., gone faster than the Flash!
- The Unjammer: Able to fix the copier in a flash!
- Firewall Fracturer: Able to view porn through the company's firewalls.
- The Discussion Thwarter: Able to derail any brainstorming session with a snide aside.
- Statusman: Can string together impressive-sounding accomplishments without even knowing what project's being discussed.
- Captain Paycheck: 20 years on the job, with no known responsibilities. |
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